Saved notes from Nov 30 to Dec 5th

November 30

My cousins are talking to each other to try to help Sharon settle her emotions. I don’t know if it will help. Lord, help us in this situation. Help us. Will she listen?  Oh God! We’re depending on you to bring peace to this family. We don’t want to cause an adversarial situation. Please teach us how to be loving, but stern.

Dec 1 was my first day without Sharon. I was very hard tiptoeing around the house being worried about every sound Peyton makes which would cause Sharon to loose confidence in me. I had so much pressure on me it was stifling. Then Peyton was constantly hungry. She would never satisfy. She would drift to sleep at the breast and then wake up ravenous. She would only sleep with my breast in her mouth. Ordinarily I would chalk it up as newborn behavior, but there were several problems.  One she had not had a bowel movement in 24 hours. Two my nipples were taking a real beating. They are sore and cracked and when Peyton latches it’s like pure fire! There was NO joy in breastfeeding. I tried to sing it out, pray it out, talk it out, but nothing worked. It was just searing pain everytime she sucked. At night it was ten times worse because I cannot see to make sure her mouth is open wide.

December 2, 2010 after 24 hours of Peyton insatiability I reached my breaking point. I have a complete understanding of what it means to not have support. I had a hungry baby, no books, no doctors, no Lacation help, no friends and I’m in a foreign country. My nipples are raw and there is no end in sight. Sharon is threatening to halt the entire process because she wants to bond with the baby. I can feel the tension in every turn and my milk is drying up. I can’t do it. I broke down in tears. My mother suggested to call Sharon to nurse her. That sent me over the edge. I wailed in the reality of failure. Not only can I not nurse but, I may lose her altogether.  I started to pull at my breast and the milk started to shoot. "I have milk” I cried. “Why God?” I felt like I wanted to die. Mommy told me to express it and feed it to her. I quickly expressed 5 ml and she took it from the bottle. Then I decided I wanted Sharon to do this too. We need to work together  to do what is best for Peyton.  Invited Sharon to nurse Peyton because she was inconsolable and I could not bear the nipple pain any longer.  Sharon came and we talked. She told me she has the same pain which at least tells me it's not just me. The day progressed to several more confessions. Sharon does not want to give Peyton up. She feels she can manage with her and fears giving up her last child. She has said it to several people.  And after a night of talking I am starting to feel like this entire trip was for some other purpose. Maybe it was for some kind of lesson for me about how insignificant I am. I don’t know. I dread going home with nothing to show for the efforts everyone made. I will certainly have to repay money. I hate to think of the million times I will have to tell the heartbreaking story. I will try not to focus on it too much. I know Peyton is sensing all of this, but if I need to release her to her mother I cannot continue to bond.  The other issue is that she still has not passed a stool since Tuesday.  If by tomorrow there is nothing I will stop breastdfeeding all together and let Sharon take over exclusively. That way if she needs to go to clinic she can have all bases covered. Lord, I can only leave it in your hands.

I cannot make this stuff up.

Dec  2^nd was a tumultuous day. The emotions ranged from anger to despair to concession to indecision. The night before there was talk of Sharon feeling forced to give up the baby. That same day I reach the end of my rope with all the negative energy surrounding the family.  I decided to give Peyton back to her mother. I spent the entire night praying and made up my mind to tell Mommy and Sharon the next morning that I will not stand between this mother and her child. I need this to be a willing adoption in every sense of the word. I am not so desperate that I must have Peyton. I have no rights to keep her. Sharon never signed anything and now we are hearing she never wanted to give the child up completely.  I rather Peyton be with her mother who made the decision than take her and have her mother hold resentment towards me.

December 3, 2010. This morning Peyton woke up at 7am after a long night. I held her in my arms one last time and called Sharon. I had already told her the night before that she should come and nurse whenever she wants, but now I will take it one step further. She can take her completely. I told her there are no hard feelings, I only want her to have the opportunity to feel secure in her decision, whatever it is. She needs to be 100 percent before we go any further and that needs to happen while she is caring for Peyton. So that morning she left with Peyton. I gave her all the folded cloth diapers and the newborn clothes I had brought with me. I felt a sense of relief and peace. I knew I made the right decision. I was actually able to sing. Mommy agreed it was the best thing to do. I don’t know what will happen, but I am okay either way. I know I will be a mother to some child.  The evening brought an interesting turn of events. Mommy and I went into town to make a few internet calls and to stop in at the adoption board. We hope to still adopt Danice since she is a ward of the state. Unfortunately we are being told we still need Sharon’s permission, as well as, the absentee father. I went to see Danice and again it was a tearful goodbye. I told her we will be together soon, but now I am not so sure. I fear she will never be released. On the minibus ride home we heard that Sharon is spiking a fever and is being taken to the hospital. Where is Peyton? No one called. I nursed that child for 4 days. I would think that I would be the logical choice to care for the baby until Sharon is well.  But I have been shut out. I am engorged with milk today and I am hearing that they are feeding her formula milk because the doctor told Sharon not to nurse.  Are these people crazy?!? Still I expressed over 4 ounces and gave to Sharon. I will not pour my milk down the sink when Peyton is being fed god –knows- what. Mommy says Sharon commented to her that I can keep the baby for tonight if I want to.  Oh so I came here to Guyana to babysit?  What a day.

In the morning comes joy

Both mommy and I went to sleep with no worries. We decided that whatever happens will be for the best. Yes, we were disappointed in the seemingly turn of events, but we were still confident in the victory belonging to the Lord. I had the best sleep in 3 weeks. The next morning Mommy went down to check on Sharon as any auntie would. She had no intentions of discussing Peyton. She just wanted to make sure Sharon was feeling better. Sharon was up and nursing. When asked how she was she said she was feeling much better and the medicine had worked. She gave Peyton the milk I expressed and she slept all night. Then she said, “I’ve made up my mind. I’m sending Peyton to America with Persis” Mommy decided to let me sleep a little longer and told Sharon she can bring the baby when I wake up.  Mommy could not wait until I got up on my own. She said, “you were sleeping to well I thought you might not wake up until noon” So a little groggy but rested I got the good news. I am still Peyton’s mommy.

Sharon came upstairs shortly after I got up and gave me Peyton for the day. Today was not very fussy except for being wet and hot. She nursed fairly well. She is a very squirmy baby. If you  her in one spot don’t expect  to see her in that spot The 24 hours of no nursing did well for my healing, but it’s still tender. I definitely have to get some help if I’m going to last 3 months. The day is hot so she has been sleeping most of the day. I imagine that means no sleep tonight. I’ve expressed a night feeding and I will have Sharon do one too. Hopefully that will fill her up enough to sleep most of the night. She does get gas and the hiccups often. So our journey really starts now. Welcome home baby girl.

Encouragement from home

After  talking to Emilia I felt so much better. I just need someone who knew me to let me know I was not losing my mind. She reminded me of the same things I told her with both her children. She was quite tickled to have the shoe on the other foot. I really feel like I don’t have a clue although I have been in the baby support business for 8 years. So I thank God for the opportunity to see it from the other side.  I have been empathetic when it came to new mother angst, but I truly have a clearer perspective.  I never realized how very dependent I am on my support network of friends.  This experience makes me truly understand the vital work of birth professionals.  I would give almost anything to transport them all here. Still it really made my day to share with her and receive her encouraging words.

Peyton is the most beautiful baby in the world … naturally. I hope to get all these pictures uploaded to my flash drive when I get the usb connector from my aunt. She is 9 days old today.  In Guyanese culture this is the day that new mothers are suppose to leave the house for the first time with the baby. You are suppose to walk in the village so that everyone can congratulate you and so on. Sharon showed up at 8am with that intention. However the weather looked very menacing for a storm.  Mommy left for church alone to the Catholic Church 4 villages west. Peyton woke up that morning to a very dirty bottom so Mommy decided to bathe her. This will be her second bath. Mommy did the first one too. Then instead of me nursing she gave her my expressed milk. That knocked her out. I decided to go back to bed with her.  We slept all day and it also rained all day so there was no 9 day outing.

Peyton is a feisty baby. She shadow boxes when she is communicating. I call her piggly wiggly because she does not stay still. I am still having a bit of pain nursing. I am being very careful with the latch and breaking suction to re latch her. I am also taking off when she sleeps which I was not doing before. Emilia reminded me that I have to train her to nurse correctly. She sleeps a lot of course and there is not much time when she is not rooting for the breast. I’ve been asking Sharon to express a few ounces every day. I use it for my 4 am feed because it is very difficult to see when I half asleep to get her latched on correctly. I know this may have an effect on my supply, but I think the rest to my nipples is worth it.

It seems like everyday the mosquitos are getting more aggressive. Or maybe it’s just that I’m not being as diligent with repellant. Still today I found three bites on Peyton.  Now of course the locals consider that to be no big deal, but I’m the worry wart. So now I will keep her covered at all times with a receiving blanket. It is so hot. I don’t know how she will like it. I don’t think I should put repellant on her baby skin so there is no other alternative.

I can’t believe I’m a mother and this is the easy part as they say when they just eat, sleep, and in her case, pee- She does not have many poopy diapers, but when it comes it is A LOT. Funny thing is I am the same way-  not the diapers part, the poop. I read that is sometimes the case with breastfed babies especially if the mother eats very healthy which I definitely am. Purely organic foods straight from the earth.    My mother is really taking care of me in that regard. All the food is fresh as in picked that very day. There is no shortage of vegetables and roots. Meat is a little harder to get with the exception of fish. Mom has to make a special trip to get chicken unless my cousin kills one of her fowls. I am also on multivitamins especially for lactation so Peyton is obviously using everything. At least I hope so.  There is a custom here that says a baby should be fed porridge if it wants to always nurse. I am not going to allow that. 

Back to the country

On Sunday Dec 12th we spent the night in Georgetown to attend Mass at St. George's Cathedral Anglican Church- the oldest wooden church structure in the world. There was a chamber chorus debut concert that evening. We planned to stay in honor of my own St. Paul's who would be in concert that same day. I miss them so much. Of course the music was not to compare, but it was still nice. We stayed at a local hotel that has internet access. YAY!!!  Peyton did so well on her now second outing. She slept through the service and the concert. Of course you know that means there was no sleep for me at night from all night nursing. I know how to nurse lying down, but she does not know how to put the breast back in her mouth when it falls out. My sweet girl.
It was pure joy to be on Facebook and finally give some updates. I have been keeping notes on my flash drive. I thought I forgot it at home, but mommy saved the day again! She told me she had it with her when we woke up. So I will post the past notes so you can read the thoughts "at the moment".
We will return to the country in an hour or so. One thing I was looking forward to by being in town was no mosquitos. I was wrong. The mosquitos in the hotel were bigger than the ones in the country. Grrr.

Until then and always I remain in His Service,
Persis

2 weeks down

On Saturday my mom and I took Peyton on her first outing from the house since her birth. It was a trial run that consist of a minibus ride to the town of Parika where there is a place to make internet phone calls for 10 cents a minute. It's about a 20 minute ride. I desperately needed to talk to someone from home. It has been one roller coaster ride of emotions for the past 2 weeks. Between the birthmother having second thoughts, my own new mommy worries, breast-feeding concerns, new baby "what the heck was that" questions, a series of seemingly dead ends with the adoption process, the heat, the unfamiliarity of the environment, and normal new baby/new mommy exhaustion I have been tempted to give up on several occasions. I have stopped counting the cries out to God for help, the nights of prayers with tears over a crying baby under a mosquito net with only a kerosene lamp for light, the doubts of whether I've really gone too far this time, the shame of going home empty handed, the ideas of giving up on these two whose birth mother is being indecisive and adopting two others who are already orphans... the list can go on for hours. You name it, I've thought of it. The birth mother has no means of support, but her emotions are clouding things. She says she wants me to adopt the girls, but her actions are not backing it up. So I am dealing with the fear of her not following through with the consent which in that case would mean I will have nothing to show for my efforts. That is almost too much to bear. There was actually a day when I did give her back to the mother. To my dismay I am finding out that a family adoption is actually worse than a stranger. Reality set in quickly with the mother. Peyton was back in my care 24 hours later. But the road is still very long to the plane ride home. The adoption board is still telling me that Peyton must be 3 months old before the courts will allow the final order. Peyton turned 2 weeks on Friday. 10 more to go?
Danice is also a challenge. Again I thought the orphanage adoption would be easier, but the circumstance in which Danice was placed in state care has made it more complicated to get her out. As of today I have no idea what will happen for sure.

Here is what I know for sure.

God is in control. His Will is best. I must ask for my strength for each and every day and sometimes each hour. Peyton is a joy to my heart and Danice is a light to the soul.
Your Part?
Keep Praying.
Keep Trusting.
Keep Believing.
Start prayer circles. Fasting. Chanting. Praising. Everything it takes.

In His Service,
Persis

Day two

11.27.2010

Today I visited both my girls. One was in the hospital and one was in an orphanage and I am denied full access to both. Today was a heart break day. I travelled so far to see them and hold them and then I am forced to leave them.  I held Peyton in my arms, but I could not put her to my breast. I held Danice in my arms but could not take her home with me.

Peyton was at Sharon’s breast when I walked into the Ward. *sigh* My turn will soon come. I brought in clean clothes and a plate, cup and spoon for Sharon. I also bought a bottle of water.  Sharon and I talked for a bit. She complained that the hospital turns off the water at a certain hour. Another woman chimed in about the lack of service. I must admit I didn’t really care. I just wanted to know when Sharon was going to be discharged. As it was the weekend the chances of it being before Monday were zero. Doctors are nowhere to be found on weekends.  There were even more women in the ward today. If any more give birth between today and Sunday they will be sleeping two to a bed.  What a life. Peyton started to fuss a little so I held her.  Her face is already starting to change a little. Sharon says she resembles the father, but when mommy looked at the pictures she said she could see my Aunt Ismay in her.  She told me my grandmother is surely dancing in her grave to know that Ismay’s grandchildren are being rescued. At 1 pm I was kicked out.  A half hour visit is all I got. Now I’m off to see Danice.

Why am I in this Godforsaken place with no transportation? After waiting a half hour in the rain for a minibus that could take passengers to come along, I got lost on my way to the orphanage today. When the bus let me off in Georgetown Market, I had a hard time getting on a hospital bus because of the congestion and confusion. I really HATE crowds. I thought I could do better just walking since I have walked there twice before. I was dead wrong. I lost my direction, made one wrong turn and before I knew it I was on the wrong side of the city. The streets got more and more deserted and then I saw barbed wire and a guard tower. Oh great ! I’ve walked into the prison district. Completely annoyed with myself I decided I needed to find a taxi service. I could not see any huts and started to consider calling a number off the ones that were passing by. Finally I saw a hotel sign. Flustered and tired I asked the door man which way it was to Joshua house. He started to point me in the direction, but changed his mind when he saw the look on my face and suggested I take a taxi. No kidding. This makes no sense to have to go through this.

Danice cried today again. I just know Mrs. A is going to ban me from coming back. She will not tolerate Danice crying every time I come and go especially since I am not the biological mother.  She would have the right to deny me on the property. I will need to get a lawyer on this case like yesterday to file a summons to remove her from the Joshua House. Time is of the essence and my heart tells me that I may be doing more harm than good by going in to see her.  She is always so happy to see me. Today we did our usual routine of coloring and reading, but we had company today. A little boy named Carlton who always hangs around her wanted to join in with the coloring and Danice let him finish one of her pictures. Then we practiced a few letters and shapes, went over her sign words and naturally ended with Teddy Bear. I showed her pictures of her new baby sister. She got a hold of the camera and showcased her photography skills. And then all the joy was gone when I told l her I had to leave. I tried my best to console her with logic, but it was useless. I even tried to bribe her with ice cream and candy. Pointless. There was no comfort to be found. Finally I had no choice. If I did not leave I would have to travel at night which could be dangerous because it’s harder to get a minibus. I told her I would count to three and then say goodbye. At three I got up and kissed her and she wailed in protest. I walked quickly and refused to look back. The anger started to well up in me. WHY MUST THIS BE?!?! It also makes no sense for Danice to have to go through this. On the way home I started thinking if I were to just walk out with her, no one would be the wiser.  But then again kidnapping does not fare well on an adoption application.

 I also found out today Peyton was injected with the BC&G(sp?) vaccination at less than 24 hours old. No one has been able to tell me exactly what it is. The local mothers say it protects them from getting a cold. Well that makes no damn sense, but at this stage there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is wait until Sharon is discharged and then no one will ever stick my child without my explicit permission ever again.

When I told mommy about the day, she seemed pleasantly amused at the passion of my mothering. She agreed with the strategy of getting a lawyer involved to hasten the process of bringing Danice home.  We cannot afford to wade through the adoption board alone and wait for Human services. Yesterday she met with a family member who recently became a lawyer while I was with Sharon at the hospital. She has referred us to another lawyer who is very familiar with adoption cases in Guyana and knows the system well. She also charges less that Mr. H__y, who although he is well known, is not a specialist in adoptions.

I ended the day by washing the meconium soiled diapers Sharon gave me with thanksgiving. I have to hand wash them in a basin with a wash board. I do it with no complaints and marvel at how well her system is adjusting to life outside the womb. I need to learn how to fold these cloth diapers.

Lord protect my girls this night and every night. Deliver them safely into my care and give me the strength and wisdom to guard them as any mother would and then a little extra for lost time. Again give my Danice a restful sleep. Comfort her and keep her. Remind her of my love when she wonders where I am. Distract her so that she doesn’t despair. Protect Peyton from all that will harm her. Strengthen Sharon to keep watch over her until she is delivered to me. Assemble your angels to stand guard and arrange your saints to hasten this process of making us a legal family with US citizenship.  In Jesus Name.

Birth Story

11.26.2010

Birth Story

I woke this morning after another restless night. At least that is how I felt. I lay down praying . I wake up praying always asking for God’s mercy in the mission ahead. It feels like it takes me so long to fall asleep and then my dreams are so involved that I wake up feeling as if I never slept.  Mommy woke up very early before sunrise because she turned in before 8pm. I found myself still struggling for a restful sleep that leaves me refreshed and ready for the day. I guess the wait is getting to me. I finally gave up at 7:30am. Mommy tells me Sharon stopped by earlier to tell her the doctor at the clinic told her she had 2 more weeks. My heart sank so low I wanted to cry. Why did we come so early? 2 more weeks??? Are you kidding me? 2 weeks until term or 2 weeks to FULL term? What two weeks is she counting? I cried out to God, “Please Lord, this can’t be happening” Just then Sharon knocks on the door. It around 8 am. She was dressed to go to clinic, but she stopped in to tell us she was having contractions and was unsure on whether she should start the hour long trip to the clinic alone. Mommy told her to come in and let me time the contractions. I started timing at 8:14am. They were about 7- 8 minutes and strong enough to makes her stop to breathe. Hmmm? I was still in my night clothes and had not even washed my face. Mommy told me to get dressed while she timed another one using my ipod touch application. I also need to express some milk  because I was very full from the night. I tried to get some out while I pulled on clothes. I gave Sharon something to drink to rule out dehydration.  The contractions suddenly got stronger and Sharon was thinking we had better leave because it will take an hour to get to the hospital by minibus.  It was then I realized the contractions were now 3-4 min apart and Sharon was feeling it in her butt.  It was 8:45am I told Mom we need to call Pauline (Sharon’s younger sister) who has a car because we were not going make it on a bus. Sharon was begging to lie down. I put her in the bed and on the next contraction she started to bear down. Oh no! I know I wanted a home birth but not with me as the attending!!! Sharon’s older daughter Kimberly came in the house to report that Pauline is on her way. The contractions were strong and long and Sharon exclaimed that she feels the head moving down.  Just then Pauline honked the horn and came running in the house. I got Sharon up and to the door and another wave came that forced her to squat in the door.  I calmly told her, “You need to start blowing through these as best you can and when it passes we have to move quickly. Within seconds  we were down the stairs and in the car. Pauline had her two youngest in the front seat with Kimberly holding one and me in the back with Sharon keeping her sane and push plastic under her in case the membranes rupture. The ride was a very bumpy one and at every pothole Sharon let out a scream. Pauline was driving like a true ambulance honking all the way for the other cars to move. The intended hospital at West Demerara Regional in Best Village was at least still 30 mins by private car but there was  a closer one in Lenora village. Pauline asked me if we should go there instead. I agreed. Just seconds away Sharon screams out a long grunt. Pauline tells me to check her. When I pulled back her panty the head was visible but the membrane was intact. Pauline turns into the hospital complex emergency bay and yells for a nurse. There was a midwife on duty. {THANK YOU JESUS!!!}  Not only was she a midwife, but one of the best in the region!!! 5 minutes after we arrived in the complex, Peyton Tasha was born at 9:25 am. I was shooed out the examination room, but I was right by the door when I heard her first cry .  I was a little concerned with the AC in the room. There was no warmer and they left her on the exam table with just a receiving blanket loosely around her. After seeing that I refused to move from the door until the nurse got tired of seeing me and let me in under the guise of looking for clothes in Sharon’s bag.  In Guyana, the hospital only provides medical personnel, a mattress, and a frame.  You have to bring all the clothes, cloth diapers, sheets, soap, even the plastic to save the bed from your blood. The rooms are old and beaten down. Nothing is sterile. The nurses wear gloves, but you and your baby are left to the elements.  Lenora Hospital does not have a maternity ward so Sharon had to be transferred to the Hospital in Best village where she was supposed to deliver. Peyton was quickly bathed and dressed and Sharon was cleaned up and changed into the gown she brought. The midwife allowed me to sit with her and Peyton while she wrote up the birth record and transfer papers. She made a side comment for me not to “touch up” the baby. HA! Boy if she only knew. Peyton rooted like a champ and the midwife encouraged Sharon to nurse. I helped her change into a different gown that would allow access. Peyton was only at the breast for a few minutes before the midwife took her to get a weight for the records.  She was 2 kg and 800g.  (Later Pauline told me that convert to 5 lbs 7 ounces but my conversion table says 6lbs 1.7oz)

By this time Pauline left with the delivery stained clothes because the boys were getting anxouis in the car. I was told I could ride in the ambulance with Sharon and the baby. YAY! But the ambulance was nothing but a minibus with no seats and a gurney in the back.  The ride was just as bad as the mad rush to get to Lenora. I have no idea why he was driving so fast since there was no emergency. Still I held onto Peyton and Sharon as best I could until we pulled into the second hospital complex. This was a much larger hospital with all areas of medicine represented. The maternity ward was at the back of the complex in an old building that was littered out front with rusting equipment and beds. We had to climb two flights of stairs to a back area that was filled with about 25 beds of women in every stage of ante partum and postpartum.   Again nothing sterile and no one seemed to care either.  Mothers laid in the bed with their babies right next to them either on the breast or simply sleeping. Each woman has a cubby hole where they kept their water, food, toilet paper, feminine napkins, and toiletries all brought from home. The beds were just inches from each other. Some had nets. Some barely had a good sheet on it. Privacy was nonexistent.  Everyone shares the same bath room and toilet. You rinse out your panties and hang it on the line outside to dry. The doctor that told Sharon she had two more weeks was there. She looked annoyed when she saw Sharon again, but it turned to shock when she turned around and saw me standing behind her with babe in arms. 2 weeks! Humph! The nurse took Peyton from me and put her in the incubator while they checked on Sharon.  There are no niceties with the nurses. They are harsh and rough with no sympathy at all. Sit down! Walk over there! Lay there! Shut your mouth!  What do you want me to do about it!  I know health care is free, but would it hurt to be civil? Lord, have mercy.

Sharon had not eaten or drank so I went to buy her a liter of water. I made up her bed and sat with her until the nurse chided me that visiting hours were not until 12 noon.  It was 11:15 am. I decided I could not wait in the heat for 45 mins since I had also not eaten and was dripping in sweat from a very eventful morning.  I borrowed 120 dollars from Sharon and rode the minibus back to the village to wait for Mommy to come home from Georgetown.  I sat at Pauline’s house when I got into the village and talked over the morning events. Pauline recalled that Sharon has a history to delivering very fast and there also seems to be a pattern of eating curry the night before! She also blessed me for being present for her and spoke of a huge difference I have made.  Her voice quivered with gratitude.  God is so good.

After a meal and a bath, I went back to the hospital with two clean panties and a meal for Sharon. I found her in bed with Peyton. She told me she had a little problem after I left with a queasy stomach and her bleeding was heavy. I told her that was to be expected because of the fast delivery.  I sat with Peyton while Sharon went to take a bath and change into clean clothes. I gathered the soiled clothes and Peyton’s first diaper to take back home to launder by hand.  We sat and laughed about the morning. I went to buy more water and a sweet drink called Thrill and watched her eat. She looked much better. I stayed until I was again chided to leave because visiting hours were over. It was long past sundown by the time I walked into our village lot.  

Almighty God, You are AWESOME. Just when I felt I could not go on you had the entire event in motion. Forgive me for wanting to give up and not simply trusting you.  This night give my two girls a restful sleep. Protect Peyton in her new born state. Strengthen her body hour by hour and guard her from illness and disease. Continue to protect Danice as I long for her to be home with us. Thank you for Sharon. Strengthen her body and spirit as she prepares for another phase in her life. See to it that she is released from the hospital quickly so that Peyton will be in my care and nursing at my breast. And Lord, please don’t let anyone stick Peyton with any vaccines.  In Jesus name. Amen.

Thank You

11.25.2010

Thanksgiving Day. I have been secretly wishing that today would be the day. Sharon left a short while ago for the clinic in Georgetown.  She says nothing is happening so she is only going to see what if anything they will say. Mom and I had the idea of going to look for the Guyana equivalent of black cohosh. I should be patient and let nature take its course, I know. But there is so much riding on the arrival of this precious child. With her birth, new life really starts. The anticipation is almost too much, but I have to wait. I want to imagine it would be a tad different if not easier if I was carrying. At least then I can feel her moving every moment. I can talk to her. Stroke her. Sing to her. I can’t really do anything of that. Sharon has too much to do and is way too busy to indulge my intrauterine bonding sessions. She cares for a neighbor’s 3 children plus her own 15 year old daughter, Kimberly. Every day she cooks, cleans, prepares them for school, and everything in between. Sounds like every mother’s work, but now imagine doing all that with no running hot water, no washing machine, no dishwasher, no vacuum cleaner, no car, no grocery stores, no  AC. Now add torrential rain every other day, mud, every insect you can think of, 99% humidity all the time, wooden houses and unreliable electricity. On this Thanksgiving Day when all of my loved ones in the US are gathering from all over to enjoy the best of foods and the greatest company, I give thanks for making a way for even the poorest of people. Even in their state that are able to laugh and enjoy what they have. I thank God for the opportunity to see His mercy in this place and really appreciate what all I have. This experience will be with me forever to remind my girls of where they came from and to be grateful. Thanksgiving day is not celebrated as such in Guyana since it’s an American holiday. But I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for …

the country of my birth

my parents who love the Lord

my family

my church

my salvation in Jesus Christ

my health

my education

my children

God Bless my children

Amen.

countdown.. and heartbreak

11.23.2010

Today I came to see you again. You ran into my arms and I hugged you tightly. Nana was with me. She hugged you and we all sat on the bench. I brought a comb to start stimulating your scalp. Nana read you a book while I worked on your head. You left for a short time for lunch and came right back. Nana was eating nuts and you took one. You had to break the shell with your teeth which proved to be impossible since the two front ones were missing! Nana gave you one without the shell and I peeled the skin for you. You did not seem to like the taste very much because you did not motion for more. We read our Teddy Bear book again and you performed the actions just like before. Then just as I promised I took out the crayons for you to color the teddy bear. Your face lit up and you got down to serious business coloring. When you were done, you motioned for another one, but Nana felt we should only do one a day. I would have let you color every page just to watch the joy in your eyes. Next we worked on drawing letters. We did the letter D and the letter A in hopes to start your name. You were able to draw it when I held you hand, but not much more than that. You loved to trace the letters though. You even tried to make your own tracing. For our last activity I read you another book- When cows come home. You smiled at the silly cows. Nana suggested it was time we got going. I hugged you and told you I would be back tomorrow and that’s when the happy time ended. I sensed something was wrong, but before anyone could move your tears started to flow and my heart broke into a million pieces. I pulled you close and begged you not to cry even though I had already started to cry myself. Nana turned away. I am sure she was crying too. You sobbed in my arms for what felt like an eternity until you fell asleep. I prayed over you. Most Merciful God Please protect this your child. How will I leave you? How can I ease your pain? Tomorrow must seems like years away in your mind. How many times have you heard “tomorrow” and it never came? As you slept in my arms my heart ached for you- the years of neglect, the lonely nights, the broken promises, the deficits of motherly love and affection. Oh Danice, Tomorrow is forever for me too. Please forgive me.

I took you upstairs to the sleeping quarters. It was dormitory style with several bunk beds. I asked where was your bunk and the girls pointed me to an empty bunk with no sheet. Is this really how you sleep each night? Dear God please don’t let that be the truth. I sent the girls for a sheet and they made the bed while I held you. As I laid you in the bunk you started to cry again. I could not leave. I sang to you the first song that came to mind. Tomorrow from the play/movie Annie. The girls chattered nonstop. They commented about who picks on you and your feeble attempts at defense. They vowed to defend you against the bigger girls. The stories continued which further convinced me that you have had a very hard way of life compared to mine or even children I know. My poor Danice. Please don’t give up on your innocence yet. I really had to leave and your tears started to flow again. I kissed you and told you I’ll be back tomorrow. You wailed as I walked away and I did not turn back so that you could not see my tears. Lord, protect her this night from those who wish to take advantage of her sweet spirit. Post your angels around her and give her peace. Wrap your arms around her so that she will feel loved and secure. Please guard her vigilantly while we are apart. In Jesus Name.

11.24.2010

I did not sleep well last night. Heartaches. Dreaming of Danice. I woke up with a headache. I spent most of the morning praying. Mom decided she was not going into town with me to meet the lawyer we were referred to by Uncle T, Mr. H___y. I would have to go it alone. It was a rough morning. My blood pressure was not that great and I felt weary. But God gives us new every morning our daily bread. His mercies are everlasting. After a great lunch I got myself ready and left for Georgetown. I took the minivan to the Wharf and then the Speed boat across the Demerara River. From there I walk through Big Market to the minibuses that go to the Hospital. Mr. H__y’s office is around the corner from Joshua House. The meeting with the lawyer went well. He is a realist and was intent to giving me facts of the matter. The process will not be quick. To that I continue to resolve that it will all happen in God’s time which in neither quick nor slow, but just on time. Afterwards I went to see Danice. She was wearing a dingy summer dress made of jeans material with no shirt and no shoes. She was obviously had been paying in the dirt and had mud and sand all over her. She gave me a hug as I walked into the compound. She was walking with a limp from what looked like a bruise on her knee. I tried to wash it with some hand sanitizer. I had a long talk with Mrs. A, the home mother. At first she warned me not to come every day, but I think we can work something out. I’m sure her concern comes from the strong display of emotion yesterday. Today however was very pleasant. We sat on the bench and did our routine. Danice colors while I comb out her hair. We practice tracing letters and shapes. There were goody bags given out to all the children with candy and a pencil. Danice was intent on sharpening her pencil and writing in the tablet. Then she fed me chocolate candies (M&Ms)! Today I let her color two pictures and she practiced the letter D. She was so proud of her work. You did not talk. But your gestures and motions spoke volumes to me. I understood everything you “said”. I know once I have the opportunity to teach your ASL you will have plenty to say. For our last activity we read Teddy Bear and did the actions. When it was time for me to leave there were no tears. She simply hugged me and walked to the other children. Happy days are here again. I took a minibus back to the market to the speed boat and then another minibus to Vergenogen and got home just after sundown. It was a good day. Father protect her tonight from danger seen and unseen. Have your angels stand guard as she sleeps and be with her as she travels to school tomorrow. Give us the wisdom to attend to the work you have started to unite this family. In Jesus Name. Amen.

The first time ever I saw your face

11.19.2010

I met you today for the first time in the flesh. We've met several times in my dreams and now it is reality. You are the sweetest child I have ever met with a bright smile with a touch of shy. We read together Teddy Bear Teddy Bear. You did all the motions. I brought a coloring sheet of a teddy bear, but forgot the crayons. I promised to bring crayons next time I came. We read The Three Pups and you counted the puppies and the children and named the black one your favorite. You made your first signs; socks, biscuit (crackers),baby, shoes, spoon and hat. You are so smart. We sat together and you listened as I chat with your auntie Beverly. You laid you head on my lap and fell asleep as sweet as an angel. Before I knew it the time had past. I had to leave to catch the van back to the village. I waved goodbye. You waved back and we were gone. Your aunt distracted me with chatter, but my heart still registered the hurt. I will be back and I will not stop until I leave with you in my arms.

I don't like that place. I see no supervision. There are flea ridden mangy dogs roaming the compound. And the children just wander around with no structure or visible routine. No one wears shoes. At least her clothes fit.

Sharon has been feeling a few contractions all day. Around 8:30 she stopped by to use the phone to alert the grandmother of the children she is caretaking. She says she feels a contraction about ever half hour. I doubt it will amount to anything. Still I will turn in early and keep the phone near the bed. Mommy told her to take a bath and turn in. Good advice.   

Baby Watch continues

Here is a very quick update..

We have been in Guyana for one week. Life here is nothing like the States. Think the black deep south in the 1920s. Then add cows, goats, and dogs roaming everywhere. Life starts at sunrise and ends at sundown. It is not that way everywhere. Right now I am at an uncle's home and it's like I've walked into a transporter and I am back in the States. AC, internet, CNN, modern furniture, the works. Still, I am happy. My family is treating me very well and take good care of us. My mother is quite at home and that allows me to relax. My accent has already changed. My cousins are impressed that I've picked up the dialect so quickly even though I am obviously a foreigner. We are all one.


Today is week 39. My cousin had a few rumblings last week, but it turned out to be nothing. Still her sisters are predicting this week for sure. I hope they are right. I had a great idea that we could do a home delivery, but apparently that is no longer encouraged even though the hospital situation is not pleasant at all. We have no idea how good we have it in the States. Please continue to pray for a safe delivery that will allow my cousin to leave the hospital in 24 hours. The sooner Peyton is in my care, I will start to rest easy.

I went to see Danice at the orphanage. She has lost her second front tooth. We read together and I taught her five signs from a sign book I had with me. We sat on the bench until she fell asleep on my lap. She is the sweetest child I have ever seen. I will hope to visit her three days a week since she goes to school two days a week. I must apply to the child protection services to request that she be released to me while we wait for the adoption.

We have no real news on how the process is coming. We can only wait for Peyton to be born.

Continue to pray for a safe delivery and a immediate release from the hospital with Peyton.
Pray that children services will release Danice in a few weeks.
Pray that the lawyer will figure out the laws and get us a court hearing at the appropriate time.

In His service,
Persis

Letters to my daughters

Dear Danice Ann,

I'm on a flight with your grandmother on the way to meet you. At this moment you have no idea that I am on my way. You do not know who I am. You do not know I exist. You saw your grandmother for a brief moment in August. You probably were thinking she was just some nice lady wanting to visit. You were told she is your auntie. Little did you know that the picture she took of you set the stage for a new act in your life. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. I have prayed for you even  before I knew your name. My heart has grown you into existence. As I travel to you, not knowing what is in store for any of us, I thank God. I thank Him for granting me the ability to love. I thank Him for putting the desire in my heart and allowing it to grow in it's many forms. I have been preparing for you for a very long time. I have been waiting for you. There are so many possibilities for our lives now. There are so many new paths that are being formed. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know who holds the future. I dream of singing with you, reading with you, teaching you, and holding you.  I hope our first meeting will be memorable. I imagine I will want to grab you in my arms and kiss your face all over because I feel as if I have always known you. But I know that may be unrealistic.  I've looked at your picture for the past two months trying to imagine what you are thinking. I know there may be times when you are scared and unsure. That could very likely increase before it settles. Your new life will be very different. But know this- there are literally hundreds of people waiting to meet you and lavish you with all the love you can take in. We will be patient with you as you transition and encourage you to work it through. You are already very loved - more than you can imagine. Even I am amazed by how much I am loved. The amount of support I have been given is almost too much to explain. Your grandmother is such a champion. She will look at you in the years to come and probably cry. I'll tell you now they are tears of joy because God used her to make this all happen.

You have a church family that has fully invested in your future. They unselfishly gave 2800 dollars towards your adoption costs. They believe in prayer but also working their faith in action. At this very moment prayers are going up for you and will not cease until you are safely emmigrated. You also have a host of doula aunties who gave 500 dollars towards your costs. They too are praying for you and can't wait to see you. There are prayer warriors all over the United States, Canada, and Mexico holding vigil for you and your sister. With these blessings, I know I will be able to pay for the adoption expenses without worry of missing a mortgage payment. Thanks be to God for the saints that do His will.

You are already blessed and highly favored. The spelling of your name reflects that as it is derived from Daniel, a hebrew boy who chose God above all else. My prayer is that you will do the same.

In the coming days and months we will only grow closer. I do not know what wounds must be dressed in order to promote healing, but I know a Balm that will soothe all fears and doubts. Sleep well my child. Your mother is waiting.

Dear Peyton Taja,

You aren't even born yet. You are nestled in the womb of your surrogate mother and I love you just as much as she does. I dream about you and your sister every minute of the day. I think of you as I prepare your nourishment in my breasts. I pray for you that your journey will be safe. You too, have hosts of people awaiting your arrival. As you prepare to enter this world, your anointing is sure. You are named for the church family who is waiting to receive you into the household of faith. In preparing to travel today I kept the both of you at the forefront of my mind. I told myself everything that I do, it is for you. The sacrifices I am making of my body, my finances, my time and energy are all worth every milisecond. There are simply no words perfect enough to describe how I feel right now. I can only imagine your hands and feet. I can imagine your sister holding you in awe. I can almost feel your breath on my chest. I love you. Rest well my dear one. We will meet soon.

Love, Mommy

Spilled Milk

Hi everyone! Especially those who are just joining the party. Welcome!
It's coming down to the wire on the departure date- one week and counting.
Here's what's been going on in the last three weeks:

I have been working extra hours and every freelance assignment that comes my way. After over a year of working from home it was an adjustment for me to have to remember what is needed to be away from home all day or even a half day. I got lost several times. I completely forgot the traffic issues in the area. I misjudged my travel time. Most of all it reminded me how blessed I am to work from home. I want to return to working from home, but next time my vocation will be homemaker. Lord God, hear my prayer.

I met with the social worker to go over the Home-study that was initially done in July for the state adoption. There were are few adjustments that needed to be made to meet international standards. Now we are waiting for the final reports from international child protective services to be included. I have never waited so long to give up 1,500 dollars in my life. If the report is not in by this Monday, the home study will simply state that an inquiry was submitted. When the federal department gets the 600 form, they will run the check again. It was my hope to send the paperwork in a month before I left so that I would have the approval letter to take with me. That will not happen. My only recourse at this point is to mail it before I leave and travel with a certified copy of everything. When the adoption is completed in the Guyana courts I will take everything to the consulate and request that the children be declared immediate relatives with citizenship rights. God is in control.

Two weeks out I made my trip to the travel clinic. I volunteered to be a pin cushion for love. Hepatitis A, Tetanus/ Diphtheria/ Pertussis, Influenza, and Typhoid. I have my prescription for Malaria and an antibiotic for stomach illnesses. I was unable to get the Yellow fever vaccine because it is a live vaccine and contraindicated for nursing mothers. The nurse gave me a waiver note.  The clinic practitioner was very informative and thorough. She printed out several sheets of information. I will need to be very careful with covering my skin from mosquitoes, wearing repellent religiously, treating the house with insecticide, and avoiding peak times. I also wanted to get the varicella vaccine because some how I managed to avoid contracting chicken pox as a child. Again I was contraindicated because I am nursing. PLEASE pray for my protection from illness. My mother caught chicken pox as an adult mother of two and I have been reminded  by her on several occasions how horrendous it is as an adult. So I declare my health and strength and ask for your affirmation of faith as well.

I printed the immunization schedule for Danice and Peyton. I do not know what kind of immunizations Danice has received in her 6 years of life, but I know she will be caught up before being allowed into the country. As for Peyton, I will need to make some decisions on what I will and will not allow. However I do not know whether I will even be given a choice due to immigration. I have printed the alternative schedule to offer the practitioners if I have the opportunity. Even though I personally believe vaccinations should be limited until the age of 2 when the immune system is mature, I will not allow that to derail our return to the States. God is in control.

I stated in my last blog that I will feed my daughter from my breasts. Not beetle ridden similac. Not infamous enfamil. Homegrown 100% organic human milk!  Many of you have been eagerly waiting for the updates. One week after starting the lactation protocol, my milk came in full force. Just two weeks ago I was sending text pictures of 1/8 of a teaspoon to my faithful breastfeeding fans:-) I actually had a squirt of milk and squealed for joy. I prayed for increase. The very next week I was collecting milk in the bottles. I can pump an ounce of milk and still hand express more. So now I'm sending pictures of a bag of milk! I can shoot milk 4 feet!!!! (Yes I did measure it :-) What an amazing body God has made! He gives seed to the barren and food in famine. The reaction I get when I tell people I am lactating without ever being pregnant is just priceless. Lactation is a brain function, not a uterine function- but I want to add that it is also a heart function. If I could breast feed Danice too, I would do it! But being that she is much too old to benefit from the milk, she will certainly get plenty of "breast time" in the form of hugs and snuggles. I must admit it is getting really tiring to pump every two hours. I am missing times from soreness. But as I get closer to departure the only thing that keeps me going is to imagine my baby girl suckling for nourishment and playing with her tiny feet and hands as I look into her eyes and fall in love every single time. It's so funny that just a few weeks ago if I knocked over my teaspoon of milk and it was like I wanted to cry. This stuff is gold...no, platinum!!! The change came just this week. I knocked over the bottle of milk a few times and praised God that I can and will make more. No more crying over spilled milk.
I'm resting on His promises! I'm covered! I'm not worried!

This past Sunday I celebrated the Feast of All Saints with my church family at St. Paul's Episcopal Church. I was blessed with an "on the spot" opportunity to address the family and announce my plans. I am so convinced that all that I do and say are in divine order. I have been planning to update my rector for three weeks, but there was always something that got in the way. I even tried to hunt down the assistant rector to no avail. I really didn't want to send an email or leave a voice message. But this Sunday I ran into the vesting room in hopes of steaming out the choir robe that looked like I slept in it all night, and ran smack into Rob (my rector). Within seconds I updated him that I was leaving next week and he immediately gives me the podium to address the congregation.  I will need 1500 per month to keep everything that MUST remain on current while I'm gone and not working. On Sunday the Spirit moved 5 church family members to hand deliver small donations that perfectly paid one of my utility bills for 4 months!!! The saints are not just those who have died. They are right here among us. Thank you.

In His Service,
Persis

Baby Story

I committed the unpardonable sin...I watched "A BABY STORY" on Discovery. WHY?!?!?! Why would I vex my spirit with the sensationalized reality show drama of a sad excuse for the truth of birth? ( No, Persis. Tell us how you REALLY feel) The first story was about a couple coming home with their new baby. The mother obviously had a cesarean birth, but they only said it was a "complicated birth".  The story was focused on getting used to the baby, routine, and acceptance. Not too bad. But that was the TRICK, the lure, the hook. Then the evil appeared in the next story. Middle aged mother on the third pregnancy at a prenatal appointment. Seems harmless, right? Wrong. In the next segment she is flat on her back in a hospital bed, hooked up to the electronic fetal monitor and speaking with the anesthesiologist. She tells him she had an epidural and a spinal with babies 1 and 2 and felt it failed because she could still "feel" (notice she did not say she was in pain). She tells him she wants general anesthesia. The anesthesiologist, shocked, explains to her it is better for her and the baby to be awake and that she will want to be able to meet her baby at birth. She then responds, "I'll have 18 years to look at this baby, I don't need to see it at birth!"  WHHHHAAATTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?
Are you kidding me?????
Why do I vex myself?
*CLICK*

So in my Baby Story I hope to be informative and encouraging. I'll tell you my story and I hope you stay tuned for the triumphs. I think that is what is so wrong with these BABY DRAMAS. It highlights the problems, but not the solutions. There is no follow through. At most you get a one liner stating "it was hard, but we worked it out". Yeah, but HOW? And as for Labor and Delivery... please stop dramatizing how the baby was saved by the doctor because it probably could have been avoided.
Okay, I'm done now. *stepping off the box*

I am decided on the name for the baby - Peyton Taja.
I have always loved the name Peyton. My church St. Paul's Episcopal is on Peyton Road. We sponsor a school called Peyton Forest. The name Peyton reminds me of  family and children, support and service, love and acceptance. The name Taja is the feminine of Taj. If the baby was a boy, that would have been the first name. Taja means crown or exalted. So Peyton Taja is already my little princess.

As I mentioned in the last post I am inducing lactation. I could not imagine NOT breast feeding. I am on a maximum dosage of Domperidone and pumping 8-10 times a day. That equals every two hours during the day and about twice during the sleeping hours. After one week I am already getting drops of milk from both breasts and I am VERY encouraged. My Lactation advisors are all telling me to not get my hopes up in terms of thinking I will be able to provide enough milk to be her sole source of nutrition. Smile. Okay. *wink*

My beautiful 6 year old daughter's name will be altered to read Danice. Her birth name is Dennices Ann.
I am changing it to be spelled Danice from a form of Daniel who Jehovah God saved from destruction.
Ann will be kept as it means "God has favored me". Danice has already had a difficult life in her 6 years. She have been moved to a different home 4 times. She has suffered a severe case of malnutrition including parasites. And although she is currently in a caring orphanage and well fed, she has suffered loss and separation. Her transition to a new family, a new mother, a new environment and a new country is predicted to be a challenge. But as many of you know about me, "challenge" is my other middle name because my name is VICTORY.

Last week I spoke with the director of The Giving Tree who did my Home Study for the domestic adoption. It was comforting to know she is familiar with the requirements of international adoptions and will be able to adjust the study to address the targeted questions. However, because I am no longer using the Study for a GA adoption, I will need to purchase the release for 1,500.00 As soon as I get the Home Study, I will send in the I-600A (Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition). With the I-600A filed before I leave, the US immigration process for the girls should go faster when I file the I-600 (Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative) in Guyana.

Of course none of these filing mean anything until the adoption process is started and finalized in Guyana. This week I bought the tickets for my mother and I to travel to Guyana on November 15th. It is an open ticket because we do not know how long it will take to complete the adoption. I got an email from the lawyer in Guyana, but I think he is holding off on doing much until the baby is born. Later this month I will start shutting down my non-essential accounts. I won't be able to take much with me to Guyana, but I will have what is most important... my heart. So many of you are excited with me and want to host a baby shower for me. I am very grateful for your outpouring of love, however due to the length of time I will be gone a baby shower is not very practical. But when I return... CELEBRATION TIME!

What is needed now is monetary gifts to offset the costs of the adoption, the loss of income while I am away,
and the time it takes to transition back to life at home. If you are so moved there is a donation button to the right where your love can be expressed along with your prayers.

In His Service,
Persis 

He will supply all your needs

I have experienced such love and support that I can't help but to know this is my absolute destiny. In the past two weeks I have shared the news with family, friends, and total strangers. The response is always the same.
But what touches me the most are the acts of kindness.

This past Saturday I went to the La Leche League of Georgia conference. Naturally I got a few curious looks when I declared I was 8 months pregnant! <wink>. Still the acceptance was genuine. I am no stranger to mothers and pregnancy as a doula, yet I felt so "new" as I sat in the workshop and meandered through the exhibit hall. I had to resist the urge to want to buy everything for my girls. But there was one AOK (act of kindness) that really took the cake that day.

The background is I am inducing lactation. As a doula and lactation educator, I am fully aware of the benefits of breastfeeding for baby and mother. http://www.promom.org/101/  I am blessed to have the necessary resources and access to a knowledge base to make a real go for it. I can not imagine NOT doing everything I can to give my baby what I know to be best for her. However, I do have to mentally prepare for the real chance that I will not be able to produce enough milk. So that I can keep the baby at the breast which increases bonding and hosts of other social benefits, I will use a Nursing Supplementer. http://breast-feeding.adoption.com/nursing/nursing-supplementers.html
I struck up a conversation with a breast pump sales manager at the conference. She had a demo for a finger feeder/supplementer. She gave me info on where to find a distributor and asked me why I was interested (assuming I was a Lactation Consultant). I told her my plans and she handed me an unopened supplementer from her inventory and instructed me to pay her with an email on my progress. It took me 10 minutes to stop crying.  Thank you Kathleen.

In His Service,
Persis

Breastfeeding studies:
http://consumer.healthday.com/Article.asp?AID=643576
http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/
http://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/Breastfeeding.cfm

Introductions and Tentative Travel Plans

To all my FB family: THANK YOU! Thank you so much for your outpouring of confidence and prayer. I am truly convinced that my entire life has led to this place and continues to be ordained. I have had so many influential people in my life who have shown me how to love and how not to love. My Family, my church families, my professional associates who have become as close as any family, and all those I have been blessed by and with in my life. Your encouragement, prayers and support will not go unrewarded.



Danice Ann



Are you ready to meet the children? Me too!!!

My cousin's name (the birth mother) is Sharon. She has 4 children and now pregnant with the 5th. The two oldest are living on their own for the most part. There is a young boy who is being provided for by a charity. But the last girl named Danice (that's what I will call her because the name on her birth certificate is spelled crazy wrong) is currently in an orphanage because there is no one able and/or willing to care for her needs. It is reported that she is not speaking. She is called "slow". But I do not claim that! She does not go to school because there are no "special needs" resources at the neighborhood school.  

My mother went to visit my 6 year old princess before she came back to the States this past August. (she was in Guyana for 3 weeks). She sat with her and told me she is affectionate and warm. She smiles and is emotionally responsive. She likes to color and display her work. She looks well fed and shows no physical problems. The other children at the orphanage felt it necessary to tell my mother that Danice "fights",  but my mother was able to ascertain that "defends herself" is the more appropriate term. She agrees that Danice needs a home environment where she has individual attention in order to grow and flourish. By God's grace that is exactly what is in store for her!

Sharon is 7 months pregnant. According to the last ultrasound the baby will reach full gestation in late November. We are grateful she was able to get this ultrasound because Sharon did not know her true gestation. Originally she thought she would deliver in October. As a result, my mother and I were making plans to travel to Guyana in early November. With the updated information, we will adjust our travel date to right after Thanksgiving. It would be great to be present at the birth- to doula my cousin and immediately bond with the baby. I will leave that in God's hands. If I can get enough money saved and all the paperwork completed in time that blessing is still a real possibility. I have been "not so secretly" hoping for a boy child. I have nothing at all against girls. I just rationalized that balance is cool since I already have a girl. However, according to the ultrasound that was done I'm having a GIRL!!! The Lord be praised forever!

I'm still working on a name.  Peyton has always called to me. My grandmother's name was Charlotte Christina. I also like Taja.  Hmm.. Persis Tasha...  Peyton Taja.  Smile.

In His Service,

Persis

Now you know!

Several of my family and friends got a heads up a bit earlier (about a month ago) about the new additions to my immediate family. You have already been so loving and supportive of me. I am so pregnant!!! Worrying one minute and Tearful with joy the next. I have so much to do. I will have to travel to Guyana to start and complete the adoption process. That is Guyana law. That means I could be away from home for as long as 3 months maybe more with NO work and NO income. My plan is to work as much as I can now to put away enough funds to help pay my mortgage and adoption costs. When it is time for me to travel, I will cancel or suspend all non-essential services until I return.

The costs of living is not very much in Guyana in comparison to US standards. The hardest part in living there is the lack of resources and "comforts of home". Although I am of Guyanese heritage, I will not delude myself to think I will easily adjust to 3rd world rural village life. Nonetheless, that is where my children are so that is that. I may have to retain a lawyer to oversee the adoption there. I am hoping that will speed things up.

While in Guyana, I will live in the house on the land my parents own in Vergenoegen (ver-jee-new-jen) which is a Guyanese rural village. It is located in Region 3 (Essequibo islands/West Demerara) on the east bank of the mouth of the Essequibo river in Guyana, South America. The village is the third on the East Bank of Essequibo when traveling west after leaving the West Coast of Demerara boundary at Boerasirie. A Dutch word, Vergenoegen means to give pleasure to; to make happy or to satisfy. How fitting that it will be the place where my desire to become a mother is satisfied.

On the American side there are costs related to Immigration. I have learned more than I ever thought possible in a very short time in regards to international adoption. Guyana is a not party to the Hague Convention on protection of children and cooperation in respect of intercountry adoption. All that means is there will be less restrictions and a shorter processing time. (Thank God!) So far I'm saving for I-600 ($750.00) visas for both children ($670.00), travel costs estimated at 2,500, and mortgage and essential bills at 1,600 for every month I am overseas. I have no idea how many hidden costs will jump on the wagon. Still, I have less than two months to save as much as I can and then leave the rest to God and His angels in human form.

Unfortunately due to a very recent divorce, I have nothing to sell in garage sales and I'm still paying off lawyer fees. Still I am encouraged that I have nothing to fear. What God has for me, it is for me.

In the words of  the choir Youthful Praise- Resting on His Promises,
"My Father promised to supply all my needs
With His riches in glory
He gives seed to the barren
And food in famine
So I know that He'll take care of me"

In His Service,
Persis

The Beginning

This is my blog to announce wonderful news. If you are reading this, you either have an interest in me or curious about something outside of yourself. I hope to not disappoint. Smile.

I have been mothering for over 8 years and what is ironic is that it all started around the same time I had to release the ability to give birth for myself. Ironic indeed that I would be attracted to all things related to birth, yet never experience it myself. Why is that? Because birth is only one path to motherhood, babies, and the fullness of womanhood.

I set my sights on having a baby 5 years ago, but circumstances and God's wisdom clearly said, "Not now".
I did not give up, just postponed. Mothering is my destiny.

Single, with no one to answer for but myself, I have now set out to follow my calling to mother the motherless.
I am in the process of working with The Giving Tree - a non profit adoption agency that recruits and trains to adopt special needs children from the foster care system. I was sure that my blessing path was clear. And then GOD stepped in. In August, I was made aware of a need within my own family.

Charity begins at home.

My Maternal grandmother had 5 girls. Only 3 are still living. My family migrated to the United States from Guyana, South America over 40 years ago, but my mother never forgot her sisters. Over the years she has sponsored two of her sisters to come to the States and has supported the other two and their offspring as best she could. Her eldest sister, now deceased, has a daughter who is in great need and has decided she must make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of her unborn child and her youngest daughter who is in an orphanage. Motherhood. Hard Choices.

Here am I.

So a slightly altered journey begins. I will be adopting my own family. Internationally. Siblings- a newborn and a 6 year old girl. Wow!

I hope to do a decent job of chronicling this journey, not only to keep my family and friends updated, but also a place for my children to see the outpouring of love for them from the very BEGINNING.

In His Service

Persis