Waiting and now a return to Love

Akira working on her Americanization..lol

Ariel: Good morning NANA

I know... it has been a very long time since you've heard any news from the blog. The truth is I have been praying for the next blog to state simply, "My babies are home". But that is not the case. For the last 5 months we have not even been close from a legal stand point. It has been almost 6 months since I’ve seen Guyana and my girls. It has also been that long since I’ve updated my blog. I guess I just didn’t have much to say. The theme was “wait”, “be still” “stand”. So that’s what I did.We were lost in the government shenanigans of a third world country. Time has no value and good intentions are laughable. But WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!

Wave "Hi" Ariel

Now it’s time. I am in Guyana to legally adopt two little girls. They are not the original two I blogged about, but I have mentioned them before.  They are cousins. We are cousins. We are family.  The goal is family preservation.

I’ve already introduced Akira. Her sister is Ariel. She is 2 years old and as lovable as they come. She laughs and smiles and hugs and tugs at your heart strings.

Family Preservation. These two sisters love each other and already have a new outlook on life. Nana and GranDad have showered them with love and care while Mommy was away. Now Mommy is coming just as she promised to bring them home.  

You see we can never know the mind of God. I am sure if I was given a glimpse into the future and it laid out this path I would have run for the hills. (And even then God would find us) A year ago I was told about an unborn infant. I said yes. Then I was told about a 6 year old sister. I said yes. As if it was not enough, I was told of two more who needed to be cared for and my heart said Yes, but my good sense and everyone who knows and loves me said, "Don't go overboard".  As God would have it, it was those two who were the ones promised to me. They are the ones I prayed, "The children that will be mine". But I would have never gone too Guyana for three months for these girls. They were already in a "home". Without meeting them in a neutral mindset, I could have easily become apathetic and shrug my shoulders in defeat. I would have accepted what was unacceptable. But PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW. 

So stay tuned to the wonders of God who makes all things possible. Our part is to simply believe. I have never stopped believing and trusting. I have had an outpouring of support and love in this “pregnancy” that can never be repaid.  I know you are all eagerly waiting to love my girls and they deserve every bit of it. Thank you for your prayers and affection.

Yah love me?

That's what Akira asked me spontaneously. I answered her. She kept asking me the same question several days in a row. So finally I asked her, "Do you love me?" She answered without hesitation "Of course meh love you! Yous meh muddah!" (translation: you are my mother).  And I fell in love all over again.

I've been back in the United States of America for just over two weeks. The outpouring of love and greetings have been overwhelming. I am filled to overflowing with gratitude not only for a safe arrival home, but for the host of angels in human form who have come to lift me up. I had just landed at Kennedy International Airport in New York on February 8th and my phone already had voice messages from friends welcoming me home. Upon arrival to Atlanta I was greeted by my doula sister and treated to dinner. For the past two weeks I have been blessed over and over again. I've had to recount the irrational, yet conceivable actions of my cousin. I've had to repeat the heartbreaking account of giving Peyton back to her birth mother after mothering her for three months. I've had to explain the sad story of Denice remaining in the orphanage despite our efforts. But I also have declared the goodness of God in working things out for my good.

I left for Guyana with breast milk, faith, and a willing heart- not much else. I didn't plan too much ahead. My reasoning was more connected to not knowing when I would return. The idea of not coming home with a baby did not really enter into the equation. Yet here I am and I am okay. Actually I am more than okay. I am victorious. I am convinced that sometimes God just wants to know if you are willing. Will you respond to His call? Or will you come up with every excuse as to why you are not enough? We are all more than enough, but our own fears stop us from growing...Growing in faith- Growing in endurance- Growing in love. I didn't know exactly how I would have managed as a self-employed, single mother of an infant and an institutionalized six year old who didn't talk. I left that up to God. And in that quiet surrender of the details of life, I found peace. Peace- that clearly says, "What I have for you, is for you"

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Akira (pronounced: Ah-kee-rah) is an amazing little girl. She is vibrant and intelligent. She has a smile to light up a room and a curiosity that is insatiable. She talks non-stop about everything she has observed in her conscious four years of life. If you cannot or will not engage her, she will simply continue on her own. She likes to play with books. She does not know how to read or even recognize letters, but she loves to make up stories with the pictures. She enjoys educational videos and of course, the american sign language videos. Before I left I purchased LeapFrog, Blue's Clues and Dora episodes and then sent a portable DVD player for her. She enjoys playing and demands attention. Her body structure is small compared to the growth chart for a 4 year old, but she is well nourished.  She has no problem expressing herself or giving her opinion. So far her biggest issue is that she forgets to go to the bathroom because of her perpetual state of excitement. I call to Guyana several times a week for updates. My mother has stayed in Guyana to help care for Akira. My father has traveled to Guyana to care for my mother. They are a pair to love birds who function much better together than apart. I was happy to put my Daddy on a plane to join his bride. Together they are operating as Nana and GrandPa to the sweetest little firecracker in the world. Pray for them. Smile. No, seriously. PRAY. :-)

So where are we now with the adoption? Before I left Guyana I completed the initial requirements for the adoption process which includes the interview and the newspaper submission to advertise the intent to adopt. That publication must run for three weeks. After that time my lawyer will submit an order to the courts to give the adoption board the right to fully investigate the request for transfer of parental responsibilities and rights. On March 30th I am required to appear in person before the board where they will make the final recommendation  to the courts to grant the adoption. Then I have to wait for the judge to sign the final order. Once that occurs we must apply for a new birth certificate and passport to take to the US embassy in Guyana to obtain a visa for travel. I do not have a solid time line as to how long this could all take. The journey is not over and your payers are still needed. My prayer is that my daughter will celebrate Easter as an American citizen. I have returned to earn a living and prepare for Akira. When I left for Guyana in November, my mindset was on an infant. Now I need to advance 4 years into the life of a preschooler. I must admit I am excited and nervous at the same time. With a preschooler the learning curve is quite different for her and for me, but I am so happy she has already "accepted" me as her new mommy. What a great start!

Yah love me?  Yes baby, Mommy loves you.

In His Service,
Persis

Still one day at a time

Over my birthday weekend I had several loved ones call me or message me to express their love and support. I can’t tell you how much that lifted my spirits. I’m on the countdown to my return home. My flight is scheduled for February 8th. I spend my days enjoying and parenting Akira, (she is a handful-- keeping up with her conversations alone is enough to wear you out!) making mental lists of all I have to do before and after I leave, and considering my life. The sadness creeps in every once in a while. I must remind myself of the bigger picture and my reliance on God’s plan on a daily basis. I returned Peyton almost two weeks ago. My breasts are still leaking. I wake up in the morning in the bed that I laid with her and pray for courage to keep going. Sometimes the tears come without much of a warning. Sharon has told me twice she would sign consent. Both times I quizzed her on whether it was what she really wanted. I have not been able to get a satisfying answer from her. I think she feels guilty about the deception. But after her behavior I cannot take a chance with her again. Guilt can wear off and morph into resentment. For 3 months she played the victim. She wants to care for her child and no amount of guilt about breaking a promise will change that.  She wakes up at 4am to cook and prepare for the day. She leaves by 6 am to take the baby to a babysitter and get to work on time. She returns home sometimes after dark to wash out diapers and put up her work clothes to start it all over again. The entire village has witnessed this saga. I have no idea what the opinions are and I don’t really care. What I do know is... this is not my fight. As I saw it, the opportunity to adopt an infant who is blood related could not have been more perfect. But our minds are not like God’s mind. I have to trust that His "perfect" far outshines whatever I can see or understand. It is that faith that dries up my tears and gives me a reason to smile. Yes, my heart is still tender. I do lose some cheer when I see the baby items I collected and recall all the dreams I created.  3 months ago I never considered this could be the outcome. By the same token if you told me 6 months ago I would be in another country breastfeeding an infant I would have asked for a puff of what you’re smoking.  So we don’t always understand why, but God reigns.

I return to the States next Tuesday. My first order of business will be to turn my house back on.Who knows the cobwebs that lurk!  My father was able to keep my car registered so that is one less thing for me to worry about. I’ll give myself a day or two before I jump back into the grind. It may be quite a shock going from tropical weather to Georgia winter nights. I have to file immigration paperwork for Akira to get her visa faster after the adoption is complete. I am being told that I must return at the end of March to meet with the adoption board. With the amount of half information I have gotten from this country’s adoption authority, I have been either going to the office or calling at least twice a week to see if the rules have changed again. Just about every time I go there I am told of some other step that has to occur before I can move forward. The last leg is the American Embassy. For US immigration there is another waiting time for a visa appointments. I will do all I can do and then I will wait – not on man, but on the Lord.

In His Service,

It ain't over

Today is my birthday. I spent it at the Princess  International  Hotel near Georgetown. I treated myself to a spa treatment and it was worth every penny. Then Mom brought Akira to spend the night with me and enjoy the comforts of home at the hotel. It was a beautiful and blessed day.

I have a sister in law who once suggested that I become a foster mother. I rejected the idea. I felt that it would be too painful for me to give a child my all and then be forced to give it back to a situation that is not the ideal. And now exactly what I thought to be beyond my ability has crossed my path and I am still standing. I have given 2 months to an infant and loved on a 6 year old in an orphanage. I must now leave them to continue their lives with a prayer for their protection and the hope of a lasting impression. So I’ve learned something about myself. I hope the experience of this winter can transfer to my life at home. Perhaps I will give foster care another look and see how God leads.

I offered to baby sit for Sharon. She is still working out her schedule on how to work and care for the baby. So far I’ve kept Peyton on three occasions. It gave me a chance to pour prayers and blessings on her. However in my last few weeks in Guyana, I will completely release her and focus on adopting Akira. I will also visit a few places, maybe see a few sites and give myself a mini vacation. When I get back home I will have to hit the ground running to get my life back on track and my business back in service. So I might as well use this time wisely to rejuvenate.  I hope to go to what is called the Interior, visit the museum and the library with Akira, maybe even a trip to Kaituer Falls.  We have decided that  my mom will stay here to look after the adoption errands for a while longer. We hope that she can stay and take care of Akira until I am able to come back. Akira is the eldest of three children for her mother. She is 4 years old. Her mother (22 years old) eagerly gave consent for her adoption because she wants better for her daughter and knows she cannot provide it. She has been living with us now for a month. What a blessing it would be if we could all go home together at that time. So for now Mommy Persis is going back to the US to work and get ready for Akira to come home.

Akira is learning so fast. She is retaining all her signs and new words and using them. I am amazed at how fast she is acclimating to every new experience. Today she is in a hotel for the first time in her life celebrating my birthday.  She rode in an elevator for the first time and looked out at a balcony. She squealed in glee when she stepped in the cold tile floor with her bare feet. She learned the words for lamp, balcony, tub, chlorine pool, and tile floor.  These are things she has never seen before and therefore did not know the word for it. The funny moment was her watching Television programming for the first time. She has only watched DVDs where the user controls. When the movie ended she says to me “Put on de other one mommy” It took several tries to explain to her that I have no control over what comes on next. She loves to learn! My mother will be enrolling her in nursery school this week for half days to help satiate her need to soak in everything.

I must admit I almost can't believe how fast everything has changed. To go from one infant to two children to three and back to one who was just a long shot to begin with is amazing. Even more amazing that she is the one that is bringing the most day to day joy  and complete surrender. Now if we can just get through the paperwork for both governments we will be home in the land of the free.

Stay tuned. God is up to something good!

In  His Service, renewed and refocused

Random thoughts

Reason I came to Guyana.
I thought to adopt a baby and her sister.

Apparent Reasons
Assist in the birth of a family member.
Give a child two months of premium care
Witness the needs of the other children
Have an opportunity to test my innate parenting skills in the most challenging conditions
A great bonding time with my mother
Quiet time with God and an exercise of faith.

There was a matter of timing for my stay here in Guyana. Originally my mother was to come ahead of me when the baby was born. That was when we thought Sharon was 8 months pregnant. When we heard she was 6 months and also poor blood and nuturtion I made a change in plans. As to give the baby the best possible start and a gentle arrival I decided to move up my arrival date to coinside with her arrival date and induce my own milk so that the baby would get a boost of human milk from a healthy person. I also wanted to establish an immedialte bond. I was told it was possible to expedite the adoption if there was an immediate need. However I only saved enough to stay for 3 months so it was importannt to time the process correctly. It was a fairly narrow window, but I could do my best by being in the country and staying on the case.
That window will close in a few weeks and the consents are not even valid yet.

Please do not judge Sharon. We here were asking her to deny her very nature as a human being who has given birth. I can only blame myself in that I did not pay better attention to her primal drive and it's ability to defy all reason. In my arrogance I wanted to believe that she would obviously see that I am a better choice to mother that she is. Bullshit.  Perhaps if she was to be educated, counselled, have no sensory access to the child, spiritual guidance, social support and even with all of that it would still be a small miracle. The mother child bond is designed to be very powerful and can not be broken just because we will it to be. Yes, it would have been better for her to say she changed her mind and stuck to that decision. Yes, by keeping silent she made this entire ordeal costly on many levels. But again we can only really blame ourselves for being so passionate about the caring of the child that we were blind to the needs of another human being. For that I ask her forgiveness and yours.

And then there was none

I’ll start at the end. I will probably be returning home in February. I am not sure what date. I will definitely be returning home alone. I’ll give you a second to read that again and catch your breath….


On January 17th I gathered all three children for the interview. I was interviewed. The birth parents, Sharon and Bena were interviewed. The children were interviewed. Denise (Danice) father did not show up so her file cannot be addressed until he shows up. He sent word that he is too busy and has no intention to taking a day off from work. I was given disturbing news that another layer of processing has been added to the case. Now there has to be a risk assessment officer assigned to the case to determine how quickly it will go before the board. At first I didn’t know what that meant. Assessing me? The circumstance? The parents? I could not get a clear answer.  I was told to call back the next day to get the name of the officer who will answer my questions. In addition neither of the birth parents brought ID so they technically were not able to give adoption consent. That was upsetting to me towards Sharon since she was told by my mother to bring her ID. Besides, who does any government business without ID? Bena promised to bring hers the very next morning. Sharon had excuses. The assessment can not start until the consent forms are signed. After Sharon’s interview she tells my mother than she does not want to sign for Peyton unless Denise gets to go too. That was the first bomb. She had never put a condition on her consent before. That night I confronted her. She tells me she thinks it would be better to wait to give consent until the father signs for Denise. I let her know that I cannot wait for Denice and I never said I would hold up the entire process for her. If we ever find her father to give consent I can come back.  I am running out of time and I need to get back to the States. I ask her who will take care of Peyton when I have to go back. She says, “I will”.

The next day I call the social worker. The initial review of the risk assessment says NONE of the children are at risk. That means there is no reason to expedite the cases because all the children can stay with their birth parents or in Denise case at the orphanage. I protested for Peyton and was told that during the interview Sharon told the social worker that she is capable of taking care of her own child and gave the impression that she does not want Peyton to be adopted at all. For that reason all the cases will go through normal channels which could take as much as a year to complete. I pleaded my case and the best I was given was that they will try to get an assessor out to Sharon’s “apartment” to determine if the child is adequately cared for. If there is an issue, they will take Peyton and put her in a convalescent home. In five months Shraon’s rights will be terminated and I can adopt her from there without consent. However, in Guyana living standards are very low. Chances are her one room, one bed living space is just fine for an infant.

Last night I prayed all night. I begged God to not let me go home empty handed. I prayed for Sharon. I prayed for Denise. I prayed for peace and lastly I prayed for God’s will. I’m sure some see this entire story as being a sick joke. I know I certainly feel like the butt of it. I am sure I will have a lot of processing to do. Father Wright, you might want to get your appointment book out.

I plan to continue the process to adopt Akira, but I will do it from home. She will go back to her grandmother . Her mother is 100% in favor. Akira is already so a part of our hearts. She calls me Mommy Persis. She already has an active sign language vocabulary of at least 20 words and it grows every day. She has been with us for two weeks now and we will keep her until we leave. She is a constant source of entertainment because she talks nonstop about anything and everything. She is as smart as a whip and a joyful handful. Too bad I have to leave her now that I’ve finally gotten used to her speech. I feel she will be okay and pray her innocence will keep until I can come back for her.

Denise will most likely age out of the orphanage. On Monday I had her outside of her environment for the first time for an extended period. She was very antsy as all children are. I had to constantly run after her and my redirecting only resulted in a smile and another bolt for the door 5 minutes later. It became evident that she does not give you anything past a head nod and a beautiful smile. I never really had a chance to observe her before. Then to add an infant and a 4 year old to her vie for attention, she had a breakdown. She just started bawling and I could not figure out why nor could she tell me. I was told all along that she was simply slow to talk. But it’s obvious that she needs extensive testing and maybe to be an only child too. I admit that I was too busy falling in love to see that.

Peyton. I will not forget you. Thank you for allowing me to love and care for you for two months.  I gave you my all as is my nature.  I release you to God’s care.

I have witnessed children of my family in all stages of need in this country. Children begging on the street, begging for love, begging attention, begging for knowledge, begging for attachment, begging for understanding. I tried to help.
I can’t describe how I feel. I’m sure you can all imagine. Know this. I will not lose my faith. My faith in God and in humanity. I do not intend this to be the end of my journey. Thank you for all your prayers and contributions.

Still in His service, just a little battered and bruised

The Battle is not ours

What a mighty God we serve! Wednesday was the true start of the adoption journey and God showed out in true Almighty God fashion. I have to walk you through this day from start to finish, but first here is a brief background. As of January 4^th we had no idea how we were going to get Danice’s application into the Adoption Board. We had met road blocks at every turn on trying to get her released from the orphanage. It got to the point that we started to lose faith that we would be able to submit her application at all. Then the eve of the 5^th I had the idea to simply call the orphanage and ask THEM to take her to the doctor and fill out the form for us. That was the plan for the next morning along with taking Peyton and Akira to the pediatrician, getting an application for Akira, applying for a birth certificate for Peyton, and getting an interview appointment for the birth parents to officially give consent.

January 5^th

Peyton wakes up at 7:30am. Breakfast at 8am. Lizzie calls to tell us she will accompany us to help get everything done. She is truly an Angel of God. She has been by our side every step of the way and is always ready to help.  Akira’s mother is on her way to meet us with Akira in Georgetown. I call the orphanage and speak with the administrator. I explain my need for a medical evaluation to adopt Danice and the administrator tell me she will have Danice ready for me to pick her up at 11am. (Hallelujah!!! Lord, You are awesome! Answered prayer #1) Our taxi driver arrives at 9:30am. He is able to clear his entire day to take us where ever we need to go (#2). We pick up Lizzie at the junction and travel to Georgetown. 45 minutes  before we reached to Georgetown market there is an explosion that closed the entire area. We missed the entire commotion and were able to get into the government building unaware of any problems (#3). I went into the office to get a third application, but I was not able to see anyone before I needed to leave to get Danice. So Mommy stayed. We also could not find Akira’s mother. Lizzie and I (and Peyton) left to pick up Danice. The administrator had her ready to go and even gave us the last medical she had on file to help build a history. (#4) We arrive at Woodlawn Hospital pediatrician and paid for Peyton and Danice. We still could not find Akira. 20 minutes later and before our names were called, Mommy and Akira arrive and I am able to add her to the group. She was able to find someone who was able to get her an application and a promise to accept it today with a little encouragement. (#5) All three girls together (#6) had their physical done. Peyton passed her 6 week check up with flying colors. She is now 8 lbs and has grown 7 cm ON BREAST MILK EXCLUSIVELY!!!!!  The doctor also fills out my portion of the medical at no extra charge (#7). Mommy was instructed to bring all the forms back that afternoon. I walked them all in and received an interview date for January 17^th (#8) We then went to the GPO to apply for Peyton’s birth certificate and was able to expedite it. We were promised to have it in one week(#9). Danice and Akira colored and played beautifully together all day and Peyton slept with no drama (#10)We returned Danice to the orphanage and she had no tears—only smiles from a fun filled day with her little sister, cousin, and family. (#11). We then went to popular supermarket that is known for everything American and picked up a few comforts of home, mainly- HUGGIES! (#12). We arrived back home with Akira in tow and the power went out. We ate dinner under the light of the kerosene lamp. 30 minutes later the power returned (#12). Akira has never sleep away from her grandmother so she needed a little adjustment time, but still both girls are asleep by 9pm and I was able to write this all down! (#13). The blessings continue.

It is obvious that Danice was taught manners at the orphanage. She is eager to help and sensitive to other people. With those qualities, I look forward to being a part of her life. I felt so full of love even though we had to return her to the home. I love hugging her and kissing her. Her smile makes you melt. Seeing Danice and Akira together really encouraged me. Even though Danice does not talk at an age appropriate level, she is still older and takes the big sister role. For example she was careful to share the crayons with Akira and allow her to color alongside her in the same coloring book. One thing I noted that I felt was very sweet is that she shared all her food with Akira. Anytime Mommy gave her something to eat she broke half and gave it to Akira. Both girls stroked Peyton and even trying to pat her on the back when she cried. Danice carefully held Akira’s hand when they walked in the street and obeyed every command. Akira is a little more strong willed, but I think Danice will help to curb that.

Oh. Introducing Akira. She is the granddaughter of another one of my cousins. Akira has a little sister who we will not be able to adopt because she is currently malnutrition and would require care I cannot offer with Peyton in infancy. Akira is 4 years old and very smart. She falls in step with everyone else. So far, the biggest challenge is her mouth. Her Guyanese accent is VERY heavy so much so that either of us can barely understand her. I have already started teaching her sign language. So far she is using eat, more, water, and can show me sleep, flower, ball, milk, mom, baby and airplane all thanks to Signing Time with Alex and Leah! She also needs a bit of retraining when it comes to manners, but she is young enough for that to be manageable. At the moment she seems to think my mother is the only one she must listen to. That is learned behavior from watching her mother interact with my cousin, her grandmother. Being the oldest of three, at only 4 years old she deduces that any woman with a baby will not be a mother to her. So in her logical mind, the older woman is the real authority and the younger is optional.  So as it stands, if it is God’s will, I will be returning with three daughters. Danice, age 6. Akira, age 4. Peyton, age 3 months.  I can hear some of my friends saying, “Persis! NO!!!” But it’s all GOD. I am not pushing this. I didn’t ask for it. It simply needs to happen. If He says,” Take this child” I will not dare reply, “but God, I’m a single woman and I already have two and I don’t make enough money and I don’t have a retirement pension, and I , and I and I….. Akira needs to be raised in a functional home with adults who are present. She is full of potential that will be beat out of her if she remains in Guyana. In some instances she is in a worse situation than Danice. Even if that were not the case, Have you ever ran from God? Have you ever told him “NO”? To God be the Glory.

God is truly amazing. I could have never predicted the day’s accomplishments. All things work according to His perfect will. Thanks be to God! On January 17^th we will need to corral Peyton and Danice’s Mother, possibly Danice’s Father if we can find him, and Akira’s mother to the interview to give their final consent. Then it will be up to my lawyer to get the paperwork pushed through the courts with haste. Something tells me there are more miracles to come. Keep praying saints!  We are looking towards HOME! This is God’s mission. My mother and I are simply vessels. What a blessing to be used by God! Your prayers are needed continuously. Please continue to lift us up.