Over my birthday weekend I had several loved ones call me or message me to express their love and support. I can’t tell you how much that lifted my spirits. I’m on the countdown to my return home. My flight is scheduled for February 8th. I spend my days enjoying and parenting Akira, (she is a handful-- keeping up with her conversations alone is enough to wear you out!) making mental lists of all I have to do before and after I leave, and considering my life. The sadness creeps in every once in a while. I must remind myself of the bigger picture and my reliance on God’s plan on a daily basis. I returned Peyton almost two weeks ago. My breasts are still leaking. I wake up in the morning in the bed that I laid with her and pray for courage to keep going. Sometimes the tears come without much of a warning. Sharon has told me twice she would sign consent. Both times I quizzed her on whether it was what she really wanted. I have not been able to get a satisfying answer from her. I think she feels guilty about the deception. But after her behavior I cannot take a chance with her again. Guilt can wear off and morph into resentment. For 3 months she played the victim. She wants to care for her child and no amount of guilt about breaking a promise will change that. She wakes up at 4am to cook and prepare for the day. She leaves by 6 am to take the baby to a babysitter and get to work on time. She returns home sometimes after dark to wash out diapers and put up her work clothes to start it all over again. The entire village has witnessed this saga. I have no idea what the opinions are and I don’t really care. What I do know is... this is not my fight. As I saw it, the opportunity to adopt an infant who is blood related could not have been more perfect. But our minds are not like God’s mind. I have to trust that His "perfect" far outshines whatever I can see or understand. It is that faith that dries up my tears and gives me a reason to smile. Yes, my heart is still tender. I do lose some cheer when I see the baby items I collected and recall all the dreams I created. 3 months ago I never considered this could be the outcome. By the same token if you told me 6 months ago I would be in another country breastfeeding an infant I would have asked for a puff of what you’re smoking. So we don’t always understand why, but God reigns.
I return to the States next Tuesday. My first order of business will be to turn my house back on.Who knows the cobwebs that lurk! My father was able to keep my car registered so that is one less thing for me to worry about. I’ll give myself a day or two before I jump back into the grind. It may be quite a shock going from tropical weather to Georgia winter nights. I have to file immigration paperwork for Akira to get her visa faster after the adoption is complete. I am being told that I must return at the end of March to meet with the adoption board. With the amount of half information I have gotten from this country’s adoption authority, I have been either going to the office or calling at least twice a week to see if the rules have changed again. Just about every time I go there I am told of some other step that has to occur before I can move forward. The last leg is the American Embassy. For US immigration there is another waiting time for a visa appointments. I will do all I can do and then I will wait – not on man, but on the Lord.
In His Service,
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