Waiting and now a return to Love

Akira working on her Americanization..lol

Ariel: Good morning NANA

I know... it has been a very long time since you've heard any news from the blog. The truth is I have been praying for the next blog to state simply, "My babies are home". But that is not the case. For the last 5 months we have not even been close from a legal stand point. It has been almost 6 months since I’ve seen Guyana and my girls. It has also been that long since I’ve updated my blog. I guess I just didn’t have much to say. The theme was “wait”, “be still” “stand”. So that’s what I did.We were lost in the government shenanigans of a third world country. Time has no value and good intentions are laughable. But WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!

Wave "Hi" Ariel

Now it’s time. I am in Guyana to legally adopt two little girls. They are not the original two I blogged about, but I have mentioned them before.  They are cousins. We are cousins. We are family.  The goal is family preservation.

I’ve already introduced Akira. Her sister is Ariel. She is 2 years old and as lovable as they come. She laughs and smiles and hugs and tugs at your heart strings.

Family Preservation. These two sisters love each other and already have a new outlook on life. Nana and GranDad have showered them with love and care while Mommy was away. Now Mommy is coming just as she promised to bring them home.  

You see we can never know the mind of God. I am sure if I was given a glimpse into the future and it laid out this path I would have run for the hills. (And even then God would find us) A year ago I was told about an unborn infant. I said yes. Then I was told about a 6 year old sister. I said yes. As if it was not enough, I was told of two more who needed to be cared for and my heart said Yes, but my good sense and everyone who knows and loves me said, "Don't go overboard".  As God would have it, it was those two who were the ones promised to me. They are the ones I prayed, "The children that will be mine". But I would have never gone too Guyana for three months for these girls. They were already in a "home". Without meeting them in a neutral mindset, I could have easily become apathetic and shrug my shoulders in defeat. I would have accepted what was unacceptable. But PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW. 

So stay tuned to the wonders of God who makes all things possible. Our part is to simply believe. I have never stopped believing and trusting. I have had an outpouring of support and love in this “pregnancy” that can never be repaid.  I know you are all eagerly waiting to love my girls and they deserve every bit of it. Thank you for your prayers and affection.

Yah love me?

That's what Akira asked me spontaneously. I answered her. She kept asking me the same question several days in a row. So finally I asked her, "Do you love me?" She answered without hesitation "Of course meh love you! Yous meh muddah!" (translation: you are my mother).  And I fell in love all over again.

I've been back in the United States of America for just over two weeks. The outpouring of love and greetings have been overwhelming. I am filled to overflowing with gratitude not only for a safe arrival home, but for the host of angels in human form who have come to lift me up. I had just landed at Kennedy International Airport in New York on February 8th and my phone already had voice messages from friends welcoming me home. Upon arrival to Atlanta I was greeted by my doula sister and treated to dinner. For the past two weeks I have been blessed over and over again. I've had to recount the irrational, yet conceivable actions of my cousin. I've had to repeat the heartbreaking account of giving Peyton back to her birth mother after mothering her for three months. I've had to explain the sad story of Denice remaining in the orphanage despite our efforts. But I also have declared the goodness of God in working things out for my good.

I left for Guyana with breast milk, faith, and a willing heart- not much else. I didn't plan too much ahead. My reasoning was more connected to not knowing when I would return. The idea of not coming home with a baby did not really enter into the equation. Yet here I am and I am okay. Actually I am more than okay. I am victorious. I am convinced that sometimes God just wants to know if you are willing. Will you respond to His call? Or will you come up with every excuse as to why you are not enough? We are all more than enough, but our own fears stop us from growing...Growing in faith- Growing in endurance- Growing in love. I didn't know exactly how I would have managed as a self-employed, single mother of an infant and an institutionalized six year old who didn't talk. I left that up to God. And in that quiet surrender of the details of life, I found peace. Peace- that clearly says, "What I have for you, is for you"

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Akira (pronounced: Ah-kee-rah) is an amazing little girl. She is vibrant and intelligent. She has a smile to light up a room and a curiosity that is insatiable. She talks non-stop about everything she has observed in her conscious four years of life. If you cannot or will not engage her, she will simply continue on her own. She likes to play with books. She does not know how to read or even recognize letters, but she loves to make up stories with the pictures. She enjoys educational videos and of course, the american sign language videos. Before I left I purchased LeapFrog, Blue's Clues and Dora episodes and then sent a portable DVD player for her. She enjoys playing and demands attention. Her body structure is small compared to the growth chart for a 4 year old, but she is well nourished.  She has no problem expressing herself or giving her opinion. So far her biggest issue is that she forgets to go to the bathroom because of her perpetual state of excitement. I call to Guyana several times a week for updates. My mother has stayed in Guyana to help care for Akira. My father has traveled to Guyana to care for my mother. They are a pair to love birds who function much better together than apart. I was happy to put my Daddy on a plane to join his bride. Together they are operating as Nana and GrandPa to the sweetest little firecracker in the world. Pray for them. Smile. No, seriously. PRAY. :-)

So where are we now with the adoption? Before I left Guyana I completed the initial requirements for the adoption process which includes the interview and the newspaper submission to advertise the intent to adopt. That publication must run for three weeks. After that time my lawyer will submit an order to the courts to give the adoption board the right to fully investigate the request for transfer of parental responsibilities and rights. On March 30th I am required to appear in person before the board where they will make the final recommendation  to the courts to grant the adoption. Then I have to wait for the judge to sign the final order. Once that occurs we must apply for a new birth certificate and passport to take to the US embassy in Guyana to obtain a visa for travel. I do not have a solid time line as to how long this could all take. The journey is not over and your payers are still needed. My prayer is that my daughter will celebrate Easter as an American citizen. I have returned to earn a living and prepare for Akira. When I left for Guyana in November, my mindset was on an infant. Now I need to advance 4 years into the life of a preschooler. I must admit I am excited and nervous at the same time. With a preschooler the learning curve is quite different for her and for me, but I am so happy she has already "accepted" me as her new mommy. What a great start!

Yah love me?  Yes baby, Mommy loves you.

In His Service,
Persis

Still one day at a time

Over my birthday weekend I had several loved ones call me or message me to express their love and support. I can’t tell you how much that lifted my spirits. I’m on the countdown to my return home. My flight is scheduled for February 8th. I spend my days enjoying and parenting Akira, (she is a handful-- keeping up with her conversations alone is enough to wear you out!) making mental lists of all I have to do before and after I leave, and considering my life. The sadness creeps in every once in a while. I must remind myself of the bigger picture and my reliance on God’s plan on a daily basis. I returned Peyton almost two weeks ago. My breasts are still leaking. I wake up in the morning in the bed that I laid with her and pray for courage to keep going. Sometimes the tears come without much of a warning. Sharon has told me twice she would sign consent. Both times I quizzed her on whether it was what she really wanted. I have not been able to get a satisfying answer from her. I think she feels guilty about the deception. But after her behavior I cannot take a chance with her again. Guilt can wear off and morph into resentment. For 3 months she played the victim. She wants to care for her child and no amount of guilt about breaking a promise will change that.  She wakes up at 4am to cook and prepare for the day. She leaves by 6 am to take the baby to a babysitter and get to work on time. She returns home sometimes after dark to wash out diapers and put up her work clothes to start it all over again. The entire village has witnessed this saga. I have no idea what the opinions are and I don’t really care. What I do know is... this is not my fight. As I saw it, the opportunity to adopt an infant who is blood related could not have been more perfect. But our minds are not like God’s mind. I have to trust that His "perfect" far outshines whatever I can see or understand. It is that faith that dries up my tears and gives me a reason to smile. Yes, my heart is still tender. I do lose some cheer when I see the baby items I collected and recall all the dreams I created.  3 months ago I never considered this could be the outcome. By the same token if you told me 6 months ago I would be in another country breastfeeding an infant I would have asked for a puff of what you’re smoking.  So we don’t always understand why, but God reigns.

I return to the States next Tuesday. My first order of business will be to turn my house back on.Who knows the cobwebs that lurk!  My father was able to keep my car registered so that is one less thing for me to worry about. I’ll give myself a day or two before I jump back into the grind. It may be quite a shock going from tropical weather to Georgia winter nights. I have to file immigration paperwork for Akira to get her visa faster after the adoption is complete. I am being told that I must return at the end of March to meet with the adoption board. With the amount of half information I have gotten from this country’s adoption authority, I have been either going to the office or calling at least twice a week to see if the rules have changed again. Just about every time I go there I am told of some other step that has to occur before I can move forward. The last leg is the American Embassy. For US immigration there is another waiting time for a visa appointments. I will do all I can do and then I will wait – not on man, but on the Lord.

In His Service,

It ain't over

Today is my birthday. I spent it at the Princess  International  Hotel near Georgetown. I treated myself to a spa treatment and it was worth every penny. Then Mom brought Akira to spend the night with me and enjoy the comforts of home at the hotel. It was a beautiful and blessed day.

I have a sister in law who once suggested that I become a foster mother. I rejected the idea. I felt that it would be too painful for me to give a child my all and then be forced to give it back to a situation that is not the ideal. And now exactly what I thought to be beyond my ability has crossed my path and I am still standing. I have given 2 months to an infant and loved on a 6 year old in an orphanage. I must now leave them to continue their lives with a prayer for their protection and the hope of a lasting impression. So I’ve learned something about myself. I hope the experience of this winter can transfer to my life at home. Perhaps I will give foster care another look and see how God leads.

I offered to baby sit for Sharon. She is still working out her schedule on how to work and care for the baby. So far I’ve kept Peyton on three occasions. It gave me a chance to pour prayers and blessings on her. However in my last few weeks in Guyana, I will completely release her and focus on adopting Akira. I will also visit a few places, maybe see a few sites and give myself a mini vacation. When I get back home I will have to hit the ground running to get my life back on track and my business back in service. So I might as well use this time wisely to rejuvenate.  I hope to go to what is called the Interior, visit the museum and the library with Akira, maybe even a trip to Kaituer Falls.  We have decided that  my mom will stay here to look after the adoption errands for a while longer. We hope that she can stay and take care of Akira until I am able to come back. Akira is the eldest of three children for her mother. She is 4 years old. Her mother (22 years old) eagerly gave consent for her adoption because she wants better for her daughter and knows she cannot provide it. She has been living with us now for a month. What a blessing it would be if we could all go home together at that time. So for now Mommy Persis is going back to the US to work and get ready for Akira to come home.

Akira is learning so fast. She is retaining all her signs and new words and using them. I am amazed at how fast she is acclimating to every new experience. Today she is in a hotel for the first time in her life celebrating my birthday.  She rode in an elevator for the first time and looked out at a balcony. She squealed in glee when she stepped in the cold tile floor with her bare feet. She learned the words for lamp, balcony, tub, chlorine pool, and tile floor.  These are things she has never seen before and therefore did not know the word for it. The funny moment was her watching Television programming for the first time. She has only watched DVDs where the user controls. When the movie ended she says to me “Put on de other one mommy” It took several tries to explain to her that I have no control over what comes on next. She loves to learn! My mother will be enrolling her in nursery school this week for half days to help satiate her need to soak in everything.

I must admit I almost can't believe how fast everything has changed. To go from one infant to two children to three and back to one who was just a long shot to begin with is amazing. Even more amazing that she is the one that is bringing the most day to day joy  and complete surrender. Now if we can just get through the paperwork for both governments we will be home in the land of the free.

Stay tuned. God is up to something good!

In  His Service, renewed and refocused

Random thoughts

Reason I came to Guyana.
I thought to adopt a baby and her sister.

Apparent Reasons
Assist in the birth of a family member.
Give a child two months of premium care
Witness the needs of the other children
Have an opportunity to test my innate parenting skills in the most challenging conditions
A great bonding time with my mother
Quiet time with God and an exercise of faith.

There was a matter of timing for my stay here in Guyana. Originally my mother was to come ahead of me when the baby was born. That was when we thought Sharon was 8 months pregnant. When we heard she was 6 months and also poor blood and nuturtion I made a change in plans. As to give the baby the best possible start and a gentle arrival I decided to move up my arrival date to coinside with her arrival date and induce my own milk so that the baby would get a boost of human milk from a healthy person. I also wanted to establish an immedialte bond. I was told it was possible to expedite the adoption if there was an immediate need. However I only saved enough to stay for 3 months so it was importannt to time the process correctly. It was a fairly narrow window, but I could do my best by being in the country and staying on the case.
That window will close in a few weeks and the consents are not even valid yet.

Please do not judge Sharon. We here were asking her to deny her very nature as a human being who has given birth. I can only blame myself in that I did not pay better attention to her primal drive and it's ability to defy all reason. In my arrogance I wanted to believe that she would obviously see that I am a better choice to mother that she is. Bullshit.  Perhaps if she was to be educated, counselled, have no sensory access to the child, spiritual guidance, social support and even with all of that it would still be a small miracle. The mother child bond is designed to be very powerful and can not be broken just because we will it to be. Yes, it would have been better for her to say she changed her mind and stuck to that decision. Yes, by keeping silent she made this entire ordeal costly on many levels. But again we can only really blame ourselves for being so passionate about the caring of the child that we were blind to the needs of another human being. For that I ask her forgiveness and yours.

And then there was none

I’ll start at the end. I will probably be returning home in February. I am not sure what date. I will definitely be returning home alone. I’ll give you a second to read that again and catch your breath….


On January 17th I gathered all three children for the interview. I was interviewed. The birth parents, Sharon and Bena were interviewed. The children were interviewed. Denise (Danice) father did not show up so her file cannot be addressed until he shows up. He sent word that he is too busy and has no intention to taking a day off from work. I was given disturbing news that another layer of processing has been added to the case. Now there has to be a risk assessment officer assigned to the case to determine how quickly it will go before the board. At first I didn’t know what that meant. Assessing me? The circumstance? The parents? I could not get a clear answer.  I was told to call back the next day to get the name of the officer who will answer my questions. In addition neither of the birth parents brought ID so they technically were not able to give adoption consent. That was upsetting to me towards Sharon since she was told by my mother to bring her ID. Besides, who does any government business without ID? Bena promised to bring hers the very next morning. Sharon had excuses. The assessment can not start until the consent forms are signed. After Sharon’s interview she tells my mother than she does not want to sign for Peyton unless Denise gets to go too. That was the first bomb. She had never put a condition on her consent before. That night I confronted her. She tells me she thinks it would be better to wait to give consent until the father signs for Denise. I let her know that I cannot wait for Denice and I never said I would hold up the entire process for her. If we ever find her father to give consent I can come back.  I am running out of time and I need to get back to the States. I ask her who will take care of Peyton when I have to go back. She says, “I will”.

The next day I call the social worker. The initial review of the risk assessment says NONE of the children are at risk. That means there is no reason to expedite the cases because all the children can stay with their birth parents or in Denise case at the orphanage. I protested for Peyton and was told that during the interview Sharon told the social worker that she is capable of taking care of her own child and gave the impression that she does not want Peyton to be adopted at all. For that reason all the cases will go through normal channels which could take as much as a year to complete. I pleaded my case and the best I was given was that they will try to get an assessor out to Sharon’s “apartment” to determine if the child is adequately cared for. If there is an issue, they will take Peyton and put her in a convalescent home. In five months Shraon’s rights will be terminated and I can adopt her from there without consent. However, in Guyana living standards are very low. Chances are her one room, one bed living space is just fine for an infant.

Last night I prayed all night. I begged God to not let me go home empty handed. I prayed for Sharon. I prayed for Denise. I prayed for peace and lastly I prayed for God’s will. I’m sure some see this entire story as being a sick joke. I know I certainly feel like the butt of it. I am sure I will have a lot of processing to do. Father Wright, you might want to get your appointment book out.

I plan to continue the process to adopt Akira, but I will do it from home. She will go back to her grandmother . Her mother is 100% in favor. Akira is already so a part of our hearts. She calls me Mommy Persis. She already has an active sign language vocabulary of at least 20 words and it grows every day. She has been with us for two weeks now and we will keep her until we leave. She is a constant source of entertainment because she talks nonstop about anything and everything. She is as smart as a whip and a joyful handful. Too bad I have to leave her now that I’ve finally gotten used to her speech. I feel she will be okay and pray her innocence will keep until I can come back for her.

Denise will most likely age out of the orphanage. On Monday I had her outside of her environment for the first time for an extended period. She was very antsy as all children are. I had to constantly run after her and my redirecting only resulted in a smile and another bolt for the door 5 minutes later. It became evident that she does not give you anything past a head nod and a beautiful smile. I never really had a chance to observe her before. Then to add an infant and a 4 year old to her vie for attention, she had a breakdown. She just started bawling and I could not figure out why nor could she tell me. I was told all along that she was simply slow to talk. But it’s obvious that she needs extensive testing and maybe to be an only child too. I admit that I was too busy falling in love to see that.

Peyton. I will not forget you. Thank you for allowing me to love and care for you for two months.  I gave you my all as is my nature.  I release you to God’s care.

I have witnessed children of my family in all stages of need in this country. Children begging on the street, begging for love, begging attention, begging for knowledge, begging for attachment, begging for understanding. I tried to help.
I can’t describe how I feel. I’m sure you can all imagine. Know this. I will not lose my faith. My faith in God and in humanity. I do not intend this to be the end of my journey. Thank you for all your prayers and contributions.

Still in His service, just a little battered and bruised

The Battle is not ours

What a mighty God we serve! Wednesday was the true start of the adoption journey and God showed out in true Almighty God fashion. I have to walk you through this day from start to finish, but first here is a brief background. As of January 4^th we had no idea how we were going to get Danice’s application into the Adoption Board. We had met road blocks at every turn on trying to get her released from the orphanage. It got to the point that we started to lose faith that we would be able to submit her application at all. Then the eve of the 5^th I had the idea to simply call the orphanage and ask THEM to take her to the doctor and fill out the form for us. That was the plan for the next morning along with taking Peyton and Akira to the pediatrician, getting an application for Akira, applying for a birth certificate for Peyton, and getting an interview appointment for the birth parents to officially give consent.

January 5^th

Peyton wakes up at 7:30am. Breakfast at 8am. Lizzie calls to tell us she will accompany us to help get everything done. She is truly an Angel of God. She has been by our side every step of the way and is always ready to help.  Akira’s mother is on her way to meet us with Akira in Georgetown. I call the orphanage and speak with the administrator. I explain my need for a medical evaluation to adopt Danice and the administrator tell me she will have Danice ready for me to pick her up at 11am. (Hallelujah!!! Lord, You are awesome! Answered prayer #1) Our taxi driver arrives at 9:30am. He is able to clear his entire day to take us where ever we need to go (#2). We pick up Lizzie at the junction and travel to Georgetown. 45 minutes  before we reached to Georgetown market there is an explosion that closed the entire area. We missed the entire commotion and were able to get into the government building unaware of any problems (#3). I went into the office to get a third application, but I was not able to see anyone before I needed to leave to get Danice. So Mommy stayed. We also could not find Akira’s mother. Lizzie and I (and Peyton) left to pick up Danice. The administrator had her ready to go and even gave us the last medical she had on file to help build a history. (#4) We arrive at Woodlawn Hospital pediatrician and paid for Peyton and Danice. We still could not find Akira. 20 minutes later and before our names were called, Mommy and Akira arrive and I am able to add her to the group. She was able to find someone who was able to get her an application and a promise to accept it today with a little encouragement. (#5) All three girls together (#6) had their physical done. Peyton passed her 6 week check up with flying colors. She is now 8 lbs and has grown 7 cm ON BREAST MILK EXCLUSIVELY!!!!!  The doctor also fills out my portion of the medical at no extra charge (#7). Mommy was instructed to bring all the forms back that afternoon. I walked them all in and received an interview date for January 17^th (#8) We then went to the GPO to apply for Peyton’s birth certificate and was able to expedite it. We were promised to have it in one week(#9). Danice and Akira colored and played beautifully together all day and Peyton slept with no drama (#10)We returned Danice to the orphanage and she had no tears—only smiles from a fun filled day with her little sister, cousin, and family. (#11). We then went to popular supermarket that is known for everything American and picked up a few comforts of home, mainly- HUGGIES! (#12). We arrived back home with Akira in tow and the power went out. We ate dinner under the light of the kerosene lamp. 30 minutes later the power returned (#12). Akira has never sleep away from her grandmother so she needed a little adjustment time, but still both girls are asleep by 9pm and I was able to write this all down! (#13). The blessings continue.

It is obvious that Danice was taught manners at the orphanage. She is eager to help and sensitive to other people. With those qualities, I look forward to being a part of her life. I felt so full of love even though we had to return her to the home. I love hugging her and kissing her. Her smile makes you melt. Seeing Danice and Akira together really encouraged me. Even though Danice does not talk at an age appropriate level, she is still older and takes the big sister role. For example she was careful to share the crayons with Akira and allow her to color alongside her in the same coloring book. One thing I noted that I felt was very sweet is that she shared all her food with Akira. Anytime Mommy gave her something to eat she broke half and gave it to Akira. Both girls stroked Peyton and even trying to pat her on the back when she cried. Danice carefully held Akira’s hand when they walked in the street and obeyed every command. Akira is a little more strong willed, but I think Danice will help to curb that.

Oh. Introducing Akira. She is the granddaughter of another one of my cousins. Akira has a little sister who we will not be able to adopt because she is currently malnutrition and would require care I cannot offer with Peyton in infancy. Akira is 4 years old and very smart. She falls in step with everyone else. So far, the biggest challenge is her mouth. Her Guyanese accent is VERY heavy so much so that either of us can barely understand her. I have already started teaching her sign language. So far she is using eat, more, water, and can show me sleep, flower, ball, milk, mom, baby and airplane all thanks to Signing Time with Alex and Leah! She also needs a bit of retraining when it comes to manners, but she is young enough for that to be manageable. At the moment she seems to think my mother is the only one she must listen to. That is learned behavior from watching her mother interact with my cousin, her grandmother. Being the oldest of three, at only 4 years old she deduces that any woman with a baby will not be a mother to her. So in her logical mind, the older woman is the real authority and the younger is optional.  So as it stands, if it is God’s will, I will be returning with three daughters. Danice, age 6. Akira, age 4. Peyton, age 3 months.  I can hear some of my friends saying, “Persis! NO!!!” But it’s all GOD. I am not pushing this. I didn’t ask for it. It simply needs to happen. If He says,” Take this child” I will not dare reply, “but God, I’m a single woman and I already have two and I don’t make enough money and I don’t have a retirement pension, and I , and I and I….. Akira needs to be raised in a functional home with adults who are present. She is full of potential that will be beat out of her if she remains in Guyana. In some instances she is in a worse situation than Danice. Even if that were not the case, Have you ever ran from God? Have you ever told him “NO”? To God be the Glory.

God is truly amazing. I could have never predicted the day’s accomplishments. All things work according to His perfect will. Thanks be to God! On January 17^th we will need to corral Peyton and Danice’s Mother, possibly Danice’s Father if we can find him, and Akira’s mother to the interview to give their final consent. Then it will be up to my lawyer to get the paperwork pushed through the courts with haste. Something tells me there are more miracles to come. Keep praying saints!  We are looking towards HOME! This is God’s mission. My mother and I are simply vessels. What a blessing to be used by God! Your prayers are needed continuously. Please continue to lift us up.

A bunch of Updates

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If you know me on facebook you know I found an REAL internet cafe in Parika. It is still a 20 min ride in the public mini-death-trap.umm. i mean ..bus, but at least it's wifi.. So here are a few weeks worth of updates. Please forgive the typos. All is well here. Peyton's 6 week check up is tomorrow. We can hand in the application for adoption now that we have the medical. So the process will BEGIN this week for her. Stay in prayer, warriors!

In His Service
Persis

Waaa

That is the only language my daughter knows. So why is everyone one so uptight about it? “That baby cries all the time” Uh DUH! How else do you suppose she communicates? “Waaa” means I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m bored, I have gas, I need to change positions, I’m awake, Pay attention, I’m wet, I’m dirty, I just hit  myself in the face, I just scared myself, I’m just letting you know I’m here.  “WAAAAA!” means you are not moving fast enough for my liking. Get over it people.

Not having internet really sucks. Then on the other hand Peyton keeps me so busy I’m would be typing with one hand anyway. I want to describe a typical day so far as a mommy. I wake up at around 6am because that is sunrise and it tends to stir Peyton. So actually, Peyton wakes me up at around 6am. Usually I try to change her diaper and nurse her back to sleep, but lately she needs a change to position so I am forced to get out of the bed.  Sometimes I will move from under the bed net and sit in the living room chair. Mommy is usually up by then as is the rest of the village. Mom will cook breakfast while I nurse.  Sometimes she will finish and fully go back to sleep by 8am. I go back to sleep with her if she had me up several times during the night. Nonetheless the day a filled with washing.  We have to wash all her cloth diapers from the day before and the clothes she used. Then we have to wash our own clothes. Her diapers and clothes are hand washed with a wash board and a bucket with the rain water. If we have electricity that day we will spin dry them which allows them to dry faster on the line. If it is raining the spinner is a pure blessing because it will dry on the inside line by that evening with the help of an iron. I iron all her diapers and clothes to kill bacteria and mold especially when if it was not sun dried. Of course none of this washing is done when Peyton refuses to allow me to put her down to sleep. In that case I must hold her all day long while she nurses for food and comfort. Sometimes I can put her in the sling or the wrap and have my hands free if it’s not too hot that day. I try my best to use the restroom, bathe, and eat when she is sleeping. Most of the time that only gives me 10-15 minutes. Other times my mom will hold her if she is in an alert time and quiet. It seems like she will sleep for about an hour or two in the middle of the day, but many a time I end up sleeping with her. With electricity it usually means some village neighbor will be blasting their music for every ones enjoyment from about 9am to 9pm. But I don’t mind it because it’s something to rock to when I’m trying to settle Peyton down.  My mom does all the cooking. I will help with the dishes, washing, and cleaning the house when Peyton allows. If Mommy is home she will spend the day cleaning and cooking and maybe a few naps. She will normally go into town at least once a week to buy food and whatever else. If she has a business appt she will always shop afterwards. I don’t go out much with Peyton when I am alone. The few times I did it was a hassle, but I guess that is to be expected.  Everyone is so amazed when they see her in the wrap. I keep getting concerned stares that she is suffocating.  “Deh is a baby you geh wrap up so tight?”  Yes.  “eh’ can breathe?” Yes. “oh  muh goy” By sundown, we may sit outside on the porch to catch the last of the day and then the night dance will start. We have to shake out all the nets, dust down the beds, and put the net back up with whatever is needed for the night. That includes at least three diapers, wipes, a flashlight, hand sanitizer, water bottle, a cloth to mop the sweat, and my ipod to play games while she nurses and tell me the time. My cousin Lizzie usually stops in when she comes home from work for a visit and to knit. Mommy is also trying to knit and Lizzie gives her inspiration with her freestyle designs. Peyton falls asleep at around 7:30pm, but not always on her own. She sleeps in arms or wants me in the bed with her. It almost makes no sense to stay up since there is really nothing to do after the sun goes down. So we may all turn in around 8:30pm. Once in a while we may stay up and watch a recorded television show on the computer. Mom turns in, but Peyton will have me up in a few hours to nurse at least three times and will take an hour to let go of the breast without crying.

God is an awesome God.

My baby has already had a hard road. She was born in non sterile conditions in a clinic hospital office. She was transferred to the birthing hospital which was no more sanitary than the clinic. She spend two days in a room filled with 15 other women and babies all sharing the same space with nothing but an old sheet and whatever you brought from home. Nothing appeared sterilized in anyway. Well it’s not hard to imagine that she picked up infections. When we arrived at West Demerara Hospital I saw them put Peyton in an incubator that looked as if it was just used as a regular crib for all babies that come in. I witnessed her receive the Vit K shot without even an announcement to the mother. The next day I reminded Sharon to refuse the BCG for now and wait for her clinic appt. Sharon told me she already got it at 6 hours old. Fast forward two days, I notice Peyton has a yellow discharge from her eye. She was discharged from the hospital so I assumed it was addressed. Wrong. Fast forward three more days when Sharon took Peyton. She spent 24 hours with a mother who didn’t even have a hot water flask or a bucket to bathe. When Peyton was returned to me I noticed a rash that developed on her thighs. I assumed it was a diaper rash, but it spread and morphed into pustules too. They started on her behind and then moved to her back and neck within the week.  During this time Sharon decided she wanted to take Peyton to the clinic to get the BCG vaccine. Yes, I know. She already got it. But for some reason the nurse put on her discharge card that she did NOT get it. Sharon was suppose to confront the nurse with the knowledge that she saw her getting the vaccine, but she allowed the nurse to convince her it was not the same vaccine. So we believed that she still needed the vaccine and had the intention to allow it to be given at the clinic appointment on Monday. During the weekend the skin condition worsened. Mommy and I decided we wanted to take her to a private pediatrician instead of the free clinic. We were also still confused on how Sharon could be so sure about seeing the shot and then change her mind. Mommy admonished her to go back to the clinic and get it in writing that Peyton did not get the vaccine. Sharon seemed to resist.  We  prayed more than ever for the health of this baby and the mental health of her birth mother. We knew that if Peyton was given a double dose of vaccine it would mean trouble. That afternoon God answered prayer. Without a word Sharon went to the clinic and God had it that the very nurse who gave the vaccine was working that afternoon and verified that she did have it. Peyton is spared. The next day we went to Georgetown to find a private pediatrician. We found one at Woodlawn Hospital and we were seen within an hour and a half.  Peyton was diagnosed with thrush and a bacterial infection that was probably picked up either at the hospital or when she spent the night with Sharon. We purchased the medicines and went home. In all it costs us five thousand Guyana dollars which is 25 dollars in US currency.  She has a five regiment of a suspension liquid  of amoxycillin and clavulanate potassium given 1.5 ml every 12 hours and 1-2 eyedrops of ciprofloxacin.  She was also given Travogen (Isoconazole nitrate) once a day for seven days to the affected area.

Life here is not easy. Maybe bacterial infections are the norm for locals because no one seems alarmed. It is the foreigners who are extra careful to boil everything. But it is only God’s mercy that keeps us safe and healthy. Every day we get up singing praises. We sing to Peyton when she cries and when she is quiet. We thank God for every road he makes clear. We praise Him for being steadfast and answering every request we make. Even a prayer today that Peyton will sleep for two hours so I can finish washing her diapers, iron them, bring the clothes in from the line, iron them, take a bath, brush my hair, change my clothes, eat, and write a journal entry- EVEN THAT he answers. Now I know that means I will trade sleep in the middle of the night, but at least I will have clean diapers to change her into.  I can’t help but be content. God is really supplying all that I need like manna for the children of Israel. I came to this country with nothing except milk in my breast and faith. I did not bring all the amenities to make the stay cozy. I don’t even have shampoo to wash my locs. Still my mother is taking care of me as I take care of this precious baby. We ask God daily for our provisions and He delivers EVERY TIME. This is an honor to be able to rely on Him alone. I can assure you it is nothing we are doing that is so right. We doubt ourselves at every turn and we have contemplating giving up. But we are reminded every day that this is a spiritual war. The enemy of our souls does not want these children to be rescued. Our job is to remember that the battle is not ours. Not only is it His fight, we must also know that the victory will be His too. No weapon formed against me shall prosper.  How great is our God. I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever. All of these are songs that carry us through each day with smiles and laughter. We are on a mission of mercy in the name of Jesus. Thanks be to God. 

In everything give Him thanks 12/22/10

Peyton will be 4 weeks old on Friday. Already a month has passed. Just like that. That is why I am being so careful to cherish every single day and every moment. She will never be this age again. I will never get this time back. Even though we are in another country, we are together. That is what is most important. Soon Danice or (D’Annice ...smile. Still considering a name change) will join us and the family will be complete.  Peyton is so very vocal (another of saying she screams for everything). I am interested to see how we will incorporate D into the mix. I hope the crying does not upset her.

We seem to really be getting into a routine now. We are always trying to get anything that requires electricity done as soon as possible because we never know when it will shut off. I have to start letting Peyton stretch her lungs because there are certain things I just have to get done and I need two hands. I try to wear her, but it gets too hot while doing chores and she is not comfortable. Mom is having problems with putting her hands in water so I need to do a lot of the rinsing of the clothes. I still think we should hire someone to do this, but I will not push it.

I am happy. I have a very good life. I am privileged to have this concentrated time with Peyton. If I had just come here when she was 3 months to fill out the paperwork, I know this would be a totally different child. Coming here to care for her from her birth was the best thing I could have done. I know it’s harder for her birth mother and no walk in the park for me, but it is best for the overall goal. I talk to her constantly. Mom is always commenting how she responds to my voice.  Last night I gave her a stern talking to about all the screaming she does when Nana is holding her. Today she stayed quietly with Nana and even fell asleep.  I will indulge myself to believe I actually had something to do with that. HA!

It is hard for me to imagine how much our routine will change when D comes so I chose not to. I will simply live in the moment. I will thank God for what I was able to accomplish each day. I will ask everyday for my daily strength and keep it moving.

I am loving this time with my mother. I love having her tell me about her life here in Guyana. I enjoy the stories of how she grew up and all she was able to accomplish. It’s hard to believe she came from such humble beginnings, but then again not so hard. My mother is not the haughty type. She takes a back seat most of the time. So seeing where we are she could only go two ways I suppose- run for dear  life and never look back or return o help in any way you can. That has been my mother’s mission for as long as I can remember. She has ALWAYS returned to Guyana. She has never forgotten her sisters and their children. She may not be wealthy and willing to lavish them with one time use gifts, but she will make sure they have a piece of land to make a bed and a roof to keep the sun and rain off their back. If they are willing to learn she will put them in school. If they are willing to work she will support their efforts. Sadly there are quite a few of her relative who are not willing and just want to take. For them, she prays.

There is so much to thank God for. The sunshine to dry the clothes. The rain to wash the clothes. The cool breeze and the moon lit nights to sit outside when the power is off. Plenty of food to eat and the gas to cook it. Health and strength for the day and hope for tomorrow. What more can I ask for. A three month supply of ice cold coconut water? Close. My cousin’s son dropped off a gallon of this nectar of God. God is so good.

Christmas in Guyana

Breakfast consisted of Pepper Pot and cassava with dasheen. No homemade bread? Yeah! That’s what I said. No worries. Mommy needed to borrow a pan from Lizzie. It was cooling by midday.  There was nothing in the way of the traditional gifts except for the 4 inch rat Mommy found in the shower stall. She had been laying “gifts” for it for the past three days.  It had been paying us a visit every night to share in the festivities without an invitation. I guess it partied too hard last night and passed out in the shower. Thank God Mommy found it. If it was me, the scream would have been heard all over the world. Mommy called one of the boys to remove it from the premises. Her young nephew of 11 years old decided he was brave enough and came to the rescue. He grabbed it by the tail and threw it in the trench. The only problem was that revived it and off it swam. Brave, but no experience. Oh well.

I find it quite comical to see a guy in a red winter suit walking around in Guyana heat. Yes, Santa Claus makes his way to Guyana. Christmas is a big deal here. Not so much the commercialism, but the festive season. There are parties every where. There are events called village days where everyone comes out and celebrates in the streets with music and food. The radio station sets up the stage and parties all day long. Cooking is a HUGE part of Christmas. There is no Christmas if there is no pepper pot and black cake in every house. If you know me then you know that is my favorite part of Christmas.  Last night I had a suspected food poisoning complete with vomiting and a migraine headache. So I spent Christmas eve begging God to spare my life because I was SURE I was gonna die last night and my baby would never see America. But by morning the nausea had subsided and the migraine reduced to a slight buzz. So I woke up to the Wesleyan Church up the road broadcasting Christmas carols at 6am. My mom decided to join in from the living room.  Then the house next door turned on her music and it was so loud you “can’t hear yourself think” (as mommy puts it). After not being able to hear Daddy on the phone, Mommy made it a point to kindly ask her to lower the volume. “Ya keeping Christmas for all ah we, nuh? Ya music is nice, but meh cyan hear mehself on deh phone”  You must know  the music here has the same words, but ALL the beats are changed to Caribbean style- HEAVY BASS  JUMP UP and LOUD. It is village day in our village on Christmas day so the festivities started around 11am. It really got going at sundown and climaxed at midnight.  Apparently a well known artist came on at 1am because I could hear the screams from my bedroom. I think the music kept going until about 2am. I stopped looking at the clock.

Peyton was very kind to me while I was moaning in pain last night. She slept peacefully while I puked in the bathroom.  She is one month old and we are still getting to know each other. I talk to her and sing to her all the time. She is a crier for the most part, but she is starting to have some quiet times. She likes when I sing to her. One night while I took a bath, Mommy sang the Hallelujah Chorus to her. We tried to rig up a hammock to rock her in. So far it’s not helping much. She screams just the same. Her only sure console is my boob in her mouth on which she will fall asleep with a mouth full of milk. Yes, I can hear it now...”Don’t let her do that. She will never sleep on her own.” Little by little I am letting her cry more when I know she was just fed, burped and dry, but she eventually wins every time.  The fact of the matter is this will not last forever. There will soon come a time when I will wish a breast could make it all better. So everyone has my permission to remind me of that when I complain that I can’t get anything done.  Just don’t expect me to respond kindly.

She is very strong. At 3 weeks old she flipped herself over from her stomach to her back. She can also turn herself around in the bed. Her legs are so powerful she will literally climb up your chest.  She kicks and swats off any kind of covering. She pushes herself off in every which direction. Trying to swaddle her or hold her close to rock to sleep is asking for a beating.  Peyton is throwing blows to the face with no apologies.  The nice part is at night she also uses those legs to sleep right under me in the bed. Mommy says it’s the sweetest thing to see. She makes all kinds of faces. The best one is when she smiles in her sleep.  She also sleeps with her mouth open…like mother, like daughter. She loves to suck on anything that is skin. She has given me several significant hickies on my arms. So far I can’t get her to keep a pacifier, but she will suck the blood right out of my arms if she could. No wonder my nipples were killing me during that first week. Her birth mother does not visit as often, but when she does she makes it a point to comment about Peyton’s size. She insists that Peyton is losing weight no matter how many times we tell her otherwise. She also is convinced she cries because she is hungry regardless of how many times her sisters remind her that all her babies were nonstop criers.  One day she just flat out told me my milk is not right for her because “it comes from a pill”. It is useless to give her the scientific facts of human milk. I wish she would wash all her urine soaked clothes and scrub all the mustard stained diapers back to white. But that will not happen so I just resolve myself to accept that I will never be good enough in her eyes.

We had really hoped to have Danice home by now.  The process gets more complicated every time we go to the department. Since I am occupied with Peyton, Mommy makes the trips to the Ministry. Last week we thought a simple letter would bring her home.  She was turned away. Then we thought the inspector would come the next day to do a home visit. He never showed and we were told that it has to be approved by another director. So it looks like January is the earliest we will get her. You would think they would be happy to get a child out of an orphanage and reunited with her family. I get sad when I think about her now. I can only pray that she is well. With Peyton it is almost impossible to go see her like I did before. In addition I know the home mother does not want me to there because of how much Danice cries when I have to leave. With Peyton it’s just a matter of time. With Danice there is no telling what will happen next. 

I really miss my church home.  Sunday morning we attempted to find the Anglican church on the west coast. Mommy really wanted to attend a service. Naturally we had a late start with Peyton.  We have no pretty Christmas dresses so it’s just onesies for her and a skirt and shirt for me. Then by the time we got to the road, there was no bus in sight. The sun was already strong and Peyton was not comfortable being strapped to me.  I also was getting very hot and not looking forward to searching for an unfamiliar church with a baby in tow. I decided to go back home and allow Mommy to venture out in peace.  So I will welcome the day I can wake up in my home, dress my babies in their Sunday best, drive my own car, and be blest and be a blessing in my church where I am known and loved.

The day after Christmas is called Boxing Day. It is British holiday. It’s a very popular day to get married. There was a wedding in the village and it is tradition for all the cars to blow their horn so that everyone can come outside and see the procession.  This weekend is also a high drinking event. Just about everyone is drunk and unfortunately driving. Driving in Guyana is already taking your life in your hands so I will be staying home until the festivities end on Tuesday.  I noticed another curious happening. Men walk around with little birds in cages. I asked mommy what that was about and she explained that the birds are the equivalent of dogs in America. No one keeps dogs as pets here. They just roam the streets. But men keep birds. They walk them. They take them to parks and talk about them. It’s again, comical to see grown men of all sizes walking around with little bird cages.

How all Good Flows Towards Us by Saint Augustine of Hippo

In whatever I say do you come to my help, O you one God, one True Eternal Substance, where is no discord, no confusion, no change, no want, no death: where is all harmony, all illumination, all steadfastness, all abundance, all life: where nothing is lacking and nothing redundant; where begetter and begotten are one: God, whom all things serve which do serve and whom every good soul obeys! God, by whose laws the poles rotate, the stars pursue their courses, the sun leads on the day, the moon tempers the night, and the whole order of the universe – through days by the alterations of light and darkness; through months by the waxing and waning of the moons; through the years by the successions of spring, summer, autumn, and winter… The will of the soul is free, and the rewards to the good, and  penalties to the wicked, are everywhere distributed by unchangeable necessity: God,  by whom all good flows towards us , all evil is driven from us: God above whom, outside whom, without whom, is nothing: God, beneath whom, in whom, with whom, is everything: who has made man after his own image and likeness, which he who knows himself discovers: Hear, hear, hear me! My God, my  master, my king, my Father, my cause, my hope, my wealth, my honor, my home, my country, my salvation, my light, my life! Hear, hear, hear me, in that way of yours, known best to few!

Happy New Year. This was my earnest prayer this morning because I woke up a bit discouraged. The enemy wants me to believe that no progress has been made and time is wasting away and before I know what hit us it will be March and the adoption papers will still be on someone’s desk and my time will run out.  I will have to decide to leave my life in the States on hold and remain in Guyana alone for the sake of Peyton or I must give up and go home. Bills will pile up, mortgage will go unpaid, the sun will dim and the moon will turn to blood. (The devil is very dramatic) So I prayed for peace and wisdom on what to do next.  Danice situation is looking grim. Mommy wants us to apply for Akira. I got a word from Spirit to get the entire family involved to “rescue” Danice. It needs to be a concerted effort rather than Mommy doing all the work for a child that was born right in this lot witnessed by everyone here.  May God bless the effort and the unity of the family for a cause.

Today I am tired. I must admit. My fears of inadequacy are creeping in. How will I handle two children? Mommy wants me to adopt three. WHAT!? She says she will move in with me and help full time.  I hope she plans to be active till the age of 80. I will submit the paperwork and let God do the rest. Peyton is a handful right now. But I have to remember that this will pass and everyday is a new something. Akira is bright and a fast talker for a 4 year old. She will be quite interesting for an introvert like me. If we get Danice maybe she can help to bring her up. I may be severely underestimating the special needs of Danice. I know I am already emotionally wrapped up in her, but am I being practical?

I am still working my contentment it seems. That’s why it’s called daily bread.