Saved notes from Nov 30 to Dec 5th

November 30

My cousins are talking to each other to try to help Sharon settle her emotions. I don’t know if it will help. Lord, help us in this situation. Help us. Will she listen?  Oh God! We’re depending on you to bring peace to this family. We don’t want to cause an adversarial situation. Please teach us how to be loving, but stern.

Dec 1 was my first day without Sharon. I was very hard tiptoeing around the house being worried about every sound Peyton makes which would cause Sharon to loose confidence in me. I had so much pressure on me it was stifling. Then Peyton was constantly hungry. She would never satisfy. She would drift to sleep at the breast and then wake up ravenous. She would only sleep with my breast in her mouth. Ordinarily I would chalk it up as newborn behavior, but there were several problems.  One she had not had a bowel movement in 24 hours. Two my nipples were taking a real beating. They are sore and cracked and when Peyton latches it’s like pure fire! There was NO joy in breastfeeding. I tried to sing it out, pray it out, talk it out, but nothing worked. It was just searing pain everytime she sucked. At night it was ten times worse because I cannot see to make sure her mouth is open wide.

December 2, 2010 after 24 hours of Peyton insatiability I reached my breaking point. I have a complete understanding of what it means to not have support. I had a hungry baby, no books, no doctors, no Lacation help, no friends and I’m in a foreign country. My nipples are raw and there is no end in sight. Sharon is threatening to halt the entire process because she wants to bond with the baby. I can feel the tension in every turn and my milk is drying up. I can’t do it. I broke down in tears. My mother suggested to call Sharon to nurse her. That sent me over the edge. I wailed in the reality of failure. Not only can I not nurse but, I may lose her altogether.  I started to pull at my breast and the milk started to shoot. "I have milk” I cried. “Why God?” I felt like I wanted to die. Mommy told me to express it and feed it to her. I quickly expressed 5 ml and she took it from the bottle. Then I decided I wanted Sharon to do this too. We need to work together  to do what is best for Peyton.  Invited Sharon to nurse Peyton because she was inconsolable and I could not bear the nipple pain any longer.  Sharon came and we talked. She told me she has the same pain which at least tells me it's not just me. The day progressed to several more confessions. Sharon does not want to give Peyton up. She feels she can manage with her and fears giving up her last child. She has said it to several people.  And after a night of talking I am starting to feel like this entire trip was for some other purpose. Maybe it was for some kind of lesson for me about how insignificant I am. I don’t know. I dread going home with nothing to show for the efforts everyone made. I will certainly have to repay money. I hate to think of the million times I will have to tell the heartbreaking story. I will try not to focus on it too much. I know Peyton is sensing all of this, but if I need to release her to her mother I cannot continue to bond.  The other issue is that she still has not passed a stool since Tuesday.  If by tomorrow there is nothing I will stop breastdfeeding all together and let Sharon take over exclusively. That way if she needs to go to clinic she can have all bases covered. Lord, I can only leave it in your hands.

I cannot make this stuff up.

Dec  2^nd was a tumultuous day. The emotions ranged from anger to despair to concession to indecision. The night before there was talk of Sharon feeling forced to give up the baby. That same day I reach the end of my rope with all the negative energy surrounding the family.  I decided to give Peyton back to her mother. I spent the entire night praying and made up my mind to tell Mommy and Sharon the next morning that I will not stand between this mother and her child. I need this to be a willing adoption in every sense of the word. I am not so desperate that I must have Peyton. I have no rights to keep her. Sharon never signed anything and now we are hearing she never wanted to give the child up completely.  I rather Peyton be with her mother who made the decision than take her and have her mother hold resentment towards me.

December 3, 2010. This morning Peyton woke up at 7am after a long night. I held her in my arms one last time and called Sharon. I had already told her the night before that she should come and nurse whenever she wants, but now I will take it one step further. She can take her completely. I told her there are no hard feelings, I only want her to have the opportunity to feel secure in her decision, whatever it is. She needs to be 100 percent before we go any further and that needs to happen while she is caring for Peyton. So that morning she left with Peyton. I gave her all the folded cloth diapers and the newborn clothes I had brought with me. I felt a sense of relief and peace. I knew I made the right decision. I was actually able to sing. Mommy agreed it was the best thing to do. I don’t know what will happen, but I am okay either way. I know I will be a mother to some child.  The evening brought an interesting turn of events. Mommy and I went into town to make a few internet calls and to stop in at the adoption board. We hope to still adopt Danice since she is a ward of the state. Unfortunately we are being told we still need Sharon’s permission, as well as, the absentee father. I went to see Danice and again it was a tearful goodbye. I told her we will be together soon, but now I am not so sure. I fear she will never be released. On the minibus ride home we heard that Sharon is spiking a fever and is being taken to the hospital. Where is Peyton? No one called. I nursed that child for 4 days. I would think that I would be the logical choice to care for the baby until Sharon is well.  But I have been shut out. I am engorged with milk today and I am hearing that they are feeding her formula milk because the doctor told Sharon not to nurse.  Are these people crazy?!? Still I expressed over 4 ounces and gave to Sharon. I will not pour my milk down the sink when Peyton is being fed god –knows- what. Mommy says Sharon commented to her that I can keep the baby for tonight if I want to.  Oh so I came here to Guyana to babysit?  What a day.

In the morning comes joy

Both mommy and I went to sleep with no worries. We decided that whatever happens will be for the best. Yes, we were disappointed in the seemingly turn of events, but we were still confident in the victory belonging to the Lord. I had the best sleep in 3 weeks. The next morning Mommy went down to check on Sharon as any auntie would. She had no intentions of discussing Peyton. She just wanted to make sure Sharon was feeling better. Sharon was up and nursing. When asked how she was she said she was feeling much better and the medicine had worked. She gave Peyton the milk I expressed and she slept all night. Then she said, “I’ve made up my mind. I’m sending Peyton to America with Persis” Mommy decided to let me sleep a little longer and told Sharon she can bring the baby when I wake up.  Mommy could not wait until I got up on my own. She said, “you were sleeping to well I thought you might not wake up until noon” So a little groggy but rested I got the good news. I am still Peyton’s mommy.

Sharon came upstairs shortly after I got up and gave me Peyton for the day. Today was not very fussy except for being wet and hot. She nursed fairly well. She is a very squirmy baby. If you  her in one spot don’t expect  to see her in that spot The 24 hours of no nursing did well for my healing, but it’s still tender. I definitely have to get some help if I’m going to last 3 months. The day is hot so she has been sleeping most of the day. I imagine that means no sleep tonight. I’ve expressed a night feeding and I will have Sharon do one too. Hopefully that will fill her up enough to sleep most of the night. She does get gas and the hiccups often. So our journey really starts now. Welcome home baby girl.

Encouragement from home

After  talking to Emilia I felt so much better. I just need someone who knew me to let me know I was not losing my mind. She reminded me of the same things I told her with both her children. She was quite tickled to have the shoe on the other foot. I really feel like I don’t have a clue although I have been in the baby support business for 8 years. So I thank God for the opportunity to see it from the other side.  I have been empathetic when it came to new mother angst, but I truly have a clearer perspective.  I never realized how very dependent I am on my support network of friends.  This experience makes me truly understand the vital work of birth professionals.  I would give almost anything to transport them all here. Still it really made my day to share with her and receive her encouraging words.

Peyton is the most beautiful baby in the world … naturally. I hope to get all these pictures uploaded to my flash drive when I get the usb connector from my aunt. She is 9 days old today.  In Guyanese culture this is the day that new mothers are suppose to leave the house for the first time with the baby. You are suppose to walk in the village so that everyone can congratulate you and so on. Sharon showed up at 8am with that intention. However the weather looked very menacing for a storm.  Mommy left for church alone to the Catholic Church 4 villages west. Peyton woke up that morning to a very dirty bottom so Mommy decided to bathe her. This will be her second bath. Mommy did the first one too. Then instead of me nursing she gave her my expressed milk. That knocked her out. I decided to go back to bed with her.  We slept all day and it also rained all day so there was no 9 day outing.

Peyton is a feisty baby. She shadow boxes when she is communicating. I call her piggly wiggly because she does not stay still. I am still having a bit of pain nursing. I am being very careful with the latch and breaking suction to re latch her. I am also taking off when she sleeps which I was not doing before. Emilia reminded me that I have to train her to nurse correctly. She sleeps a lot of course and there is not much time when she is not rooting for the breast. I’ve been asking Sharon to express a few ounces every day. I use it for my 4 am feed because it is very difficult to see when I half asleep to get her latched on correctly. I know this may have an effect on my supply, but I think the rest to my nipples is worth it.

It seems like everyday the mosquitos are getting more aggressive. Or maybe it’s just that I’m not being as diligent with repellant. Still today I found three bites on Peyton.  Now of course the locals consider that to be no big deal, but I’m the worry wart. So now I will keep her covered at all times with a receiving blanket. It is so hot. I don’t know how she will like it. I don’t think I should put repellant on her baby skin so there is no other alternative.

I can’t believe I’m a mother and this is the easy part as they say when they just eat, sleep, and in her case, pee- She does not have many poopy diapers, but when it comes it is A LOT. Funny thing is I am the same way-  not the diapers part, the poop. I read that is sometimes the case with breastfed babies especially if the mother eats very healthy which I definitely am. Purely organic foods straight from the earth.    My mother is really taking care of me in that regard. All the food is fresh as in picked that very day. There is no shortage of vegetables and roots. Meat is a little harder to get with the exception of fish. Mom has to make a special trip to get chicken unless my cousin kills one of her fowls. I am also on multivitamins especially for lactation so Peyton is obviously using everything. At least I hope so.  There is a custom here that says a baby should be fed porridge if it wants to always nurse. I am not going to allow that. 

Back to the country

On Sunday Dec 12th we spent the night in Georgetown to attend Mass at St. George's Cathedral Anglican Church- the oldest wooden church structure in the world. There was a chamber chorus debut concert that evening. We planned to stay in honor of my own St. Paul's who would be in concert that same day. I miss them so much. Of course the music was not to compare, but it was still nice. We stayed at a local hotel that has internet access. YAY!!!  Peyton did so well on her now second outing. She slept through the service and the concert. Of course you know that means there was no sleep for me at night from all night nursing. I know how to nurse lying down, but she does not know how to put the breast back in her mouth when it falls out. My sweet girl.
It was pure joy to be on Facebook and finally give some updates. I have been keeping notes on my flash drive. I thought I forgot it at home, but mommy saved the day again! She told me she had it with her when we woke up. So I will post the past notes so you can read the thoughts "at the moment".
We will return to the country in an hour or so. One thing I was looking forward to by being in town was no mosquitos. I was wrong. The mosquitos in the hotel were bigger than the ones in the country. Grrr.

Until then and always I remain in His Service,
Persis

2 weeks down

On Saturday my mom and I took Peyton on her first outing from the house since her birth. It was a trial run that consist of a minibus ride to the town of Parika where there is a place to make internet phone calls for 10 cents a minute. It's about a 20 minute ride. I desperately needed to talk to someone from home. It has been one roller coaster ride of emotions for the past 2 weeks. Between the birthmother having second thoughts, my own new mommy worries, breast-feeding concerns, new baby "what the heck was that" questions, a series of seemingly dead ends with the adoption process, the heat, the unfamiliarity of the environment, and normal new baby/new mommy exhaustion I have been tempted to give up on several occasions. I have stopped counting the cries out to God for help, the nights of prayers with tears over a crying baby under a mosquito net with only a kerosene lamp for light, the doubts of whether I've really gone too far this time, the shame of going home empty handed, the ideas of giving up on these two whose birth mother is being indecisive and adopting two others who are already orphans... the list can go on for hours. You name it, I've thought of it. The birth mother has no means of support, but her emotions are clouding things. She says she wants me to adopt the girls, but her actions are not backing it up. So I am dealing with the fear of her not following through with the consent which in that case would mean I will have nothing to show for my efforts. That is almost too much to bear. There was actually a day when I did give her back to the mother. To my dismay I am finding out that a family adoption is actually worse than a stranger. Reality set in quickly with the mother. Peyton was back in my care 24 hours later. But the road is still very long to the plane ride home. The adoption board is still telling me that Peyton must be 3 months old before the courts will allow the final order. Peyton turned 2 weeks on Friday. 10 more to go?
Danice is also a challenge. Again I thought the orphanage adoption would be easier, but the circumstance in which Danice was placed in state care has made it more complicated to get her out. As of today I have no idea what will happen for sure.

Here is what I know for sure.

God is in control. His Will is best. I must ask for my strength for each and every day and sometimes each hour. Peyton is a joy to my heart and Danice is a light to the soul.
Your Part?
Keep Praying.
Keep Trusting.
Keep Believing.
Start prayer circles. Fasting. Chanting. Praising. Everything it takes.

In His Service,
Persis